Scrooge

Christmas is only a few days away while there are tons of people who have finished their X-mas shopping but there are tons more who have not finished/started.  I am sure you already know which one your boy is.  For that reason that is why I feel like the Scrooge in me has come the hell out.

So I am in the store browsing and attempting to do this shopping with no money and I get distracted by the hoodrats everywhere.  Now, I know this is my fault for waiting until the last minute but I did not even know hoodrats would drive out to the Target on City Live Ave.  I mean that is why I went there instead of the one in South Philly.  Anyways I turn around and I see a few chicks in their scrubs.  This kills me for many different reasons.  First of all I am just not sure if you have germs, SARS, Swine flu or what all over you.  I am not sure where you are coming from.  You could work in the labs that has those monkeys that the Gov't runs test trials and gives AIDS to before they give it to the African American population but that is another post.  Seriously, where are your clothes you look silly with the whole getup on.  I will let you rock out with the top on but the pants too??

Lets be honest hood b*tch you are not a real nurse. You don't have anything saying RN attached to your name.  You can perpetrate for everybody else but you not fooling me into thinking you might be doing something important.  In fact I am pretty sure some of you just purchase these scrubs to walk around in public thinking you are the sh*t when in fact you look rather foolish.  You know how I know you aint saving lives?  When you have those initials RN you tend to have a little bit of money left over after you take care of life essentials.  All the RN's I know have their weaves TIGHT, dreadlocks on point(word to Hopkins), hair flowing not you hoodrat.  You are on the corner of the bus stop taking your tracks out and what is that glue from your hair now on the cement. With the words that just came out of your mouth furthermore lets me know that you do/did not attend school for nursing but you went for a language.  You know Ebonics yup that is the one.

I am sure there are a lot of people who will have no clue what the hell I am talking about and then there are others who know exactly what I am talking about.   Then there is that section of people who think I am just plain wrong for it but f*ck you.  Of course then we have the actual hoodrats.  I would be scared that you might see me in the streets and would want to get it poppington but ehhh I doubt you can read anyways. 

X-mas List!!!

Since the holidays are upon us and Christmas is less than a week away I decided I would share my X-mas list with everybody.  It is has been a long time since I have actually made a X-mas list because I have gotten older the presents don't mean as much and I much rather be at home chilaxin but don't get it twisted presents are still the SH*T!!!

1.Mike Vick gets a better public relations person.  It is not my money but you should not get your wife a 90,000 car.  You can afford it cool, but you know the media is out for blood.  My advice get another contract then get the whip that way its slices the hater criticism in half.

2. A bottle of American Honey.  This is the best tasting whiskey bourbon liquor ever!!

3. A Philadelphia Parking Authority vehicle to get a ticket, lose a tire, or any type of mischief.

4. All my damn Jay-Z albums that were stolen.

5. The general manager of the Wizards to get demoted for his trade to get Rashard Lewis.

6. McNabb to play for the Vikings.

7. Septa buses to pull the f*ck over to the stop when picking up or dropping off passengers.

8. The people getting off or on the Septa bus to hurry the hell up.

9. Women who dress like men and who take on their mannerisms to STOP.  You still bleed at least once a month.

10. To go read my favorite comic site!!

11. Peace, prosperity and peace of mind for all of you out there

The end!!

Tabernacle

The post today will be something out of the norm from Spitting and Cussing.  My good friend will be taking over the duties for today and will be the special blogger.  Stef Black and I have known each other since freshman year of college and it is my pleasure to give him this opportunity to speak his mind.  The views represented do not necessarily represent the views of Spitting and Cussing and all that other jazz.  However, I simply say AMEN.

So my man B. dot and I were having one of our usual f*ck the world conversations, when we came across a topic that seems so taboo to discuss, that I asked him to allow me to vent about it through his blog. The topic I am referring to is RELIGION. I am sorry, but I gotta keep it real. And I am also sorry for taking over B’s webwaves but I got something to say! I will be brief..

I have such a problem with religion that I am forced to tell people I have none. I mean hey, was Jesus a Christian? Not that I don’t believe in God because I do. I also believe that Jesus died for the sins of man. But I guess I had enough, after seeing a repeated cycle of what seems to be an organized, theatrical telethon that we call the 21^st Century Christian experience. I’m tired of hearing the scandal, seeing pastors in church doing cartwheels, and hitting high notes, while the lady in the 3^rd row gives the last of her money for the “church fund”.  After church, that same lady walks to catch the bus while the pastor and his associates drive off in their Beamer, Benz or Bentley. No one is perfect but when things go wrong in the church those people need to be made an example of and not protected by their co-worshipers. What this cycle does is push the REAL people away from church, and allow the fake to congregate inside. At least that’s how it seems.

Sitting in church, watching people shout, jump, scream, cry, and listening to the pastor PAUSE when his words don’t incite enough excitement from his parishioners, it makes me question what is it all for? Perhaps I have begun to appreciate the calmer more peaceful Catholic service I once knew. Maybe I am not as strong of a Christian if I am not able to shout jibberish and move around uncontrollably while I pray. It took a lot of prayer, understanding and Knowledge of Self to realize that God is in each of us, and His relationship with us can be greater and more powerful than the artificial theatrics that many churches project. Gaining a true understanding of my relationship with God also further gives me freedom to say that organized religion as we know it is some bull sh*t!!!

Yet it continues, tricked down to the next generation of future church-goers. The question is how much more watered down will it be for our children. How far will we deviate from the personal relationship with God that we all really need? Tomorrow’s pastor could be today’s praise dancer, Christian rapper, or even today’s pimp or drug dealer. From a young age I think people are able to grasp how to get what they want from others. Whether it’s a lady who knows how to flirt to get that free Super Size or the pastor who can make you put $30 more in the collection plate with some smooth words about sacrifice.  For this reason, I can’t just sit back and listen without question the derivative of the church’s actions. That is not meant as any disrespect to people who are serious about their relationship with God, but come on! WAKE UP!!! People hate on Catholics and their priests a whole lot, but you know what??? If I wasn’t allowed to get married, had to live at the church, and was being watched constantly I would probably f*ck up too! Matter of fact, I would probably be at the strip club with the ill disguise on right now! My point is we are all flawed, lol

My main point is, in light of all the things I see and have seen, I can’t give churches the benefit of the doubt I used to. We should put our trust in NO MAN, I just think that the Church should be viewed the same way. The same way Burger King and Free Credit Score use Hip-hop to channel your attention; do not think that the church is not capable of doing the same.

All I am saying is think people….or this could be the future of religion!!! http://www.comedycentral.com/tosh.0/2010/08/16/this-weeks-web-redemption-angry-black-preacher/

I will say what the hell I want

I have been wanting to get this off my chest for a few weeks or so.  Not too long ago popular and influential Hot 97 Dj Funkmaster Flex went on a rant that went viral about deceased rap legend Tupac Shakur.
Funk going off!!

In a nutshell he did not have too many kinds words for Pac but later on his show went on to explain what he really meant and doing the half backpedal dance.  I understand where he was coming from Tupac did not have kind words to say about Funk or his associates when he was alive and that is a lot of bad blood.  Most people have gone on to say that because Pac is dead that the beef should have ended or 10 years is a long time to carry a grudge.

To all those who think that I simply say blow it out your a**!!!  I could be beefing with somebody and if they were bringing the kind of heat Pac was bringing I may not let it go either.  If somebody drops dead in the middle of a beef with me are my feelings are supposed to change because they are dead?  Does that lessen the impact that this person may have had on my life?  If somebody was coming out of their mouth with hate and all types of threats why would I not be happy that they are no longer around?  Death does suck because there is no coming back from that unless it is "The Walking Dead" show (which I HIGHLY recommend you watch) but sometimes that is how stuff goes.

I just want to bring this up to make you think.  Are Jewish people supposed to forgive Hitler for the a** whoopings he put on them?  Yeah did not really think so!!  It is hard to forgive and forget when so much hate is is thrown your way or thrown upon people you associate with.  You can easily say Hitler was a killer and Pac did not harm anybody physically but mental fatigue and stress is a killer in itself.  There is no uproar if somebody says Hitler was dumb b*tch.  There was plenty uproar when everybody thought Will Smith made a comment stating that he believed Hitler to be a good person with twisted logic or whatever.

When Massa was whooping the slaves a** were they supposed be to cool when Massa died from the revolution?  All them whip lashings, rapes, murders, picking cotton in the hot a** sun is supposed to be okay because they punk a** is dead.  With all that said Funk you are well within your right to say whatever you want in a public forum stay strong brotha but you definitely picked the wrong person to voice your displeasure on.  Freedom of speech lives on!!!

Race is the game

Lets talk about the dreaded R word.  RACISM!!  Or rather the use of the race card.  Those not familiar with what the race card is it is usually pulled when something goes wrong and somebody may say, "well if I was not _____ I would have gotten the job".  The race card is commonly used by African Americans or people of Hispanic background.  Here at spitting and cussing we love and hate all races differently BUT equally. (I kid)

Not sure if anybody has seen the Duncan Hines commercial that was pulled because of racist claims.  If not I will show you.




Was that commercial offensive.  In my opinion not really it was mild at best.  I am going to say some black people saw this and could see nothing but the chocolate icing and harmonizing and LOST it.  Sure, the advertisers were complete idiots for not mixing the icing up on the cupcakes.  Strawberry and vanilla should have been thrown in there and all of this controversy would not even exist.  Lets face it, whoever thought this was a good idea was not that far off.  Now in the world of race and media one of these mistakes can doom a career or sink a company.  It is safe to say whoever made that commercial we might not be seeing anything from them in a little bit.

Are people really that sensitive these days?  Was that commercial really enough to get in uproar about?  Am I just that much of a insensitive guy?

It has to be crack

Tobacco is some of the most addictive stuff on the face of this earth.  Specifically cigarettes sometimes referred to as cigs or loosies.  I am not a big fan of cigarettes but I am in awe of the power that they hold.

I am not a huge smoker, I have never had a cigarette, occasionally I enjoy a cigar but that is it. Most cigs smell horribly, makes the air stuffy, leaves some people with stained teeth but that just could be from them not brushing their teeth but I digress.  Personally I know a lot of men who will see a woman with a cigarette in their mouth and they are instantly turned off and any types of wild thoughts vanishes in the thins air.  Me personally would never turn down Jessica Rabbit off of "Who Framed Roger Rabbit" but I am a sick sick man.

I respect the fact that cigarettes can be addicting but they make these chain smokers look like crack heads.  Mother Nature has been on her BEST bullsh*t the last few days throwing out 33 degree weather during the day and 24 degrees at night.  I mean it has been cold to the point of my damn face hurting and me contemplating ways to transport myself without actually having to step outside.  Just think about the fact that people will leave a warm room to step outside and smoke cigs in the cold a** weather in damn pajamas pants a hoodie.  Or trying wrapping your mind around the fact that these people were in the warmth relaxing and will throw on multiple layers of clothes to step outside and smoke this cigarette for 5 minutes then go back inside.  That is some addictive a** stuff.

Really grasp the fact that on every packs of cigarettes there is a surgeon generals warning that states:

• SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Smoking Causes Lung Cancer, Heart Disease, Emphysema, And May Complicate Pregnancy.
• SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Quitting Smoking Now Greatly Reduces Serious Risks to Your Health.
• SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Smoking By Pregnant Women May Result in Fetal Injury, Premature Birth, And Low Birth Weight.
• SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Cigarette Smoke Contains Carbon Monoxide.

The first one simply says your lungs and heart will shut off.  The second one says STOP now you are killing yourself.  The third one says STOP smoking now because you are with child you selfish motherf*cker!!  The fourth one says the stuff you are inhaling gases that were used for executions by the Greeks and Romans.  With a warning like that it is a wonder that people still smoke these things.


The only way I can imagine myself becoming a chain smoker is if the cigarette has been dipped in something that can be addicting that is like actually fun. Ehh, I dunno maybe something like sex or video games.  Better yet if I smoke a certain amount of cigarettes on the coldest day of the year I will finally find that pot of gold that is supposed to exist at the end of the rainbow.

Get at me Dog

I guess this has been a long overdue and a pretty controversial topic that has yet to be discussed.  Try not to be offended too much but what the hell is with a certain race and Michael Vick?  I mean do you guys really hate this man that much?

For the people not in the know about Michael Vick to make a long story short.  Former quarterback for the Atlanta Falcons who had signed a huge 100 million dollar contract, was a ring leader in illegal dog fighting down in VA, got caught served his time, lost all his money and is now the Eagles starting quarterback who is on a tear!!  Most people love redemption stories and here you think we have one for the ages for everybody to rally behind but this is not the case.

People just can't get passed his past and it is a damn sad thing.  I love animals as much as the next person but if you motherf*ckers don't chill out and let it go!!  It is horrible what he and other people did to those dogs but f*ck them Pitbulls.  What really slays me is the fact that people are outraged that the NFL are letting him play again.  The man almost spent two years in jail, is 12 million dollars in debt, missed time away from his family and lost his job.  He has paid his debt to society so why does he not deserve a chance to work again?  So what this his chosen profession people can earn millions of dollars that is why he chose to be a football player and not a custodian.  All this outrage over some dogs?  Not liked he killed some people or has a proven pattern as a serial rapist like another NFL quarterback out there.

I recently read this commentary on why the NFL is wrong and how it send a message to society that he may be rewarded a new million dollar contract and the MVP trophy.  From what I know the Most Valuable Player trophy is awarded for outstanding play on the field and not what they do off of it.  I can't for the life of me understand why he is disappointed with the praise that is heaped upon Vick his spectacular season.  Maybe, because that light in Vick's head has clicked and he is playing like everybody only dreamed and maybe because he is not on the field doing illegal things like killing dogs you d*ck, so there is no reason not to say "good damn job".

 Just for the people who don't understand why he is allowed to play in the NFL because he committed that crime I look at it a little differently.  For instance a pedophile should not be allowed to be around children, become a teach, camp counselor etc.  A computer hacker should not be allowed to be on a computer unsupervised.  A dog murderer should not allowed to be a veterinarian but you can be my franchise quarterback any day of the week as long as you are playing like Michael Vick is!!

I somehow think I would lose less sleep with the dog killer than hmm I dunno the MAN killer!!  Shout out to Mike Vick, it is still f*ck you Eagles for trading McNabb!!

Writer of the commentary and just cause you are behind a lot of this nonsense PETA!!  I hope you all get stuck in the room with a dog fighter and a serial killer and you choose to be friends with the serial killers.

Explain this to me

Many people say Babe Ruth is the greatest baseball player of all time.  Me personally I think he was just a fat white man that could hit.  I am taking Barry Bonds over every player of any era period!!  People don't like to mention Barry Bonds because he was an asshole to the media and later the steroids scandal thing.  To our knowledge he has never intentionally cheated so that now goes back to the media thing.  Allegedly Babe Ruth was a racist but that does not change how anybody felt about him being the best.

Why is it that NBA has minimum age requirement but MLB does not?  So it is cool to be 18 and play baseball as a living and not okay to be 18 and making a living in the NBA.  Dude from the Nationals Bryce Harper decided to pull out of high school and get a GED because he wanted to focus on baseball because he is supposed to be the next great thing.  Tennis athletes are competing on the pro circuit all the time before they even reach 18.  Though, if I recall correctly Venus and Serena Williams caught flak for being so young.  If I am wrong please let me know.

Why is it that when Brett Farve refuses to come out of the game when he is injured it is because he is a warrior and just wants to win sooo bad.  When Vince Young does that he has poor communication skills and has a bad attitude.  Just not sure why Brett is passionate and Vince is a knucklehead.

Random thoughts today.

I'll hit her if I have to

Why is that it is socially acceptable for women to hit men but men can't hit them back?  I know this is probably sounding quite simple or even barbaric but I really am curious.  In my mind this just a setup for the female to one day get her a** whooped.

I personally think you should not teach your children this and instead maybe teach them not to hit people in general.  A great disservice is done to children all over the world when this moronic theory is taught.  For example if a female was to hit the modern day B.Dot, she would be picking up her eye from across the room once she woke up.  Don't get it twisted the same goes for a man too.  I simply feel like that I would not hit you why would you do that to me?

I personally take any act of violence towards me rather real or perceived as a threat on my life and will act accordingly.  If you simply shove me expect a leg sweep from me if you punch me expect a roundhouse kick.  If you talk about harming me expect a top 10 a** whooping of all time.  The one thing we should have learned from President Bush should have been "preemptive strike".  In these days of uncertainty this is EVERYTHING.  If you jump all in somebody's grill before they get the chance to do any harm towards you everything works out in your favor.

Take Israel for example a few years ago when they had the war with Gaza.  Gaza was being cute and shooting mortars and stuff and then Israel came and f*cked up their military target, government buildings and police stations.  Then came back and f*cked up everything that they got on the first go round.  This is what we call "preemptive strike"!!  Sure Israel was frowned upon by some but at the end of the day things worked out for them because they won!!

You can't even spell it

Today I was driving in the city and I drove past G Lounge on 17th st between Market and Sansom and I had to chuckle about my last adventure there.  It was over a month ago that I was in G Lounge with one of my cousins and one of his friends.  It was my first time being in G Lounge in over a year and my cousin's friend had some pull where we could travel all throughout VIP and the vault area.

This friend his name is Corey (all names are purely fictional to protect their identities) and he is a hopeful NFL player and all around nice guy.  Most of his time is spent training and going to tryouts to make it to the big stage one day.  As the night was winding down we were leaving and Corey was conversing with some ladies on his way out.  There was nothing out of the unusual until this motherf*cker said, "Bitch this a BUUUUUUURBERRY sweater!!!".(If you see me in person ask for the impersonation, text does no justice)  I heard this come out of his mouth and lost it and broke into tears.  I mean really who says some fly crap like that out of their mouth.  So as we are all walking away to head home he then has the nerve to say, "How she going to come at the Buurberry sweater, it is Burberry!"  At this point I have realized that A.) I hope he gets a office job and never ever has to hit a person to make a living because he is a few head shots away from being a can of V8 or B.) that this name brand sh*t has gotten out of hand.  Mind you one of the nicest people I have ever met but I would bet my next paycheck that he could not spell as he says BUUUURBERRY.

I really started to think are name brands that important to people?  The answer is yes and that is alright if you have the money for it but if you don't chill the hell out.  Me personally am a sucka for Polo but will made sure I have paid all my bills before I go find a polo shirt on sale.  This dude Corey was really so impressed with his canary yellow Burberry sweater that he thought nobody should have said anything negative about it.  Mind you my cousin had to pay for all the drinks because Mr. Buuuurrberry had no money. 

With that said watch your money spend wisely, save wisely, invest wisely and go get you some Buuuurrberry!!!

I may have been stupid

Growing up as a child I was pretty damn book smart. Straight A's time and time again, magnet school and honor societies were a few examples of my academic prowess.  With that said everything was not always grand and looking back on a few things that I believed I can truly say that I had some dumb a** moments.  I will share a few of these moments.  Don't judge me too harshly like Erykah Badu said, "I'm an artist and I am sensitive about my sh*t".  Okay, not really sensitive you can call me a lot of things but sensitive aint one of them.

I was born on July 15th and therefore am a Cancer according to the Zodiac sign.  So, for a good chunk of my life I was secretly sad because I believed I had the real deal cancer.  For the longest time I could not understand why being born in July made me have cancer. smh

When I was five years old and was out by the beach and I remember somebody saying that this white lady had no butt.  From that day on I was under the assumption that white people literally had no butts and it was just a straight back.  I was totally confused on how they used the bathroom to do a number 2.

Growing up the commercial about teaching your kids that "virgin" is not a dirty word always came on during Saturday morning cartoons.  During my latter years of elementary school I remember people using that word and talking about sex like they really knew what was going on.  I thought sexual intercourse between a man and woman happened when a man used his genital and had to somehow connect with a woman's breast.  Never knew what the big deal about sex was it just seemed to difficult.

Those were the days when everything were oh so simple!!

Grow a set

I was talking with my Mom the other day and have realized that there are a lot of entitled motherf*ckers running around here.  One would even go out on a limb and say some are kind of soft.  They are not built Ford tough.  If If I was was Diddy it would be a case of b*tcha**ness!!

Trying to figure out where this sense of entitlement stems from with this generation a lot of people use little league baseball as a prime example.  In little league apparently everybody gets trophies now even if you did not win the championship.  That defeats the purpose of competition and trying your best if at the end of the day everybody gets a trophy.  Some people are okay with this logic but I just can't agree with this thought process at all.

I personally feel that getting your a** kicked in a sport while young is an invaluable lesson that every little kid needs.  See, when you get your face handed to you and you have any type of feelings running through your body you will make sure that sh*t will not happen again.  You stand outside and shoot hoops until the sun goes down, you bug your Father to play catch everyday until you are the best at what you do.  Hopefully this desire turns you into a better person.  You do not become a sore loser but you accept you can lose but never ever grow comfortable with it.  Once complacency sits in you should go ahead and drink the bleach.

So when I see all these people today who skip class that has mandatory attendance and they beg and plead with the Professor to get a passing grade it makes me sick.  They never understand why they are failing they think the Professor does not like them.  No, a** you think because you show up some of the time and you are an all around nice person somebody is supposed to be okay with this but it does not work like this dipsh*t.

All you sissies out here who has this entitlement complex man up and in the mean time duck my saliva!!!

Word of the day

As the holiday season quickly approaches I figure I would change things up with this post and share some of my favorite things with you wonderful people.  Today will be just a word or a saying that I like to use in everyday conversation.

One of my favorite words that I absolutely looove to use is "dougie".  I know I know strange word to love but hey it is what it is.  According to urbandictionary.com dougie can be described as, "swag or swagger".  Another definition is "to have a cool or hip style".  Me personally I like to throw my own little spin on the word dougie.

For example when people are fighting and somebody got they a** whooped I like to say, "Maan, they were out there getting they dougie on".  It makes perfect sense.  According to the dictionary the two fighters had "swag" as they fought it out.

I frequently use the term "dougie" when joking with friends or being an all around jerk.  For instance "I was getting dougie with your Mom last night". It was in context and damn funny if you ask me.

Annoyance

Things that bother me.

When in the strip club men "make it rain".  Maybe I am bothered because I can only "make it precipitate very very lightly" but who just gets rid of money like that?  I just love money too much money to just throw it up in the air and watch single mothers err- hard working professionals stuff it down whatever clothes they have on.


When women wear really skimpy clothes and their butt cheeks hang out and get mad when somebody has some fly sh*t to say out their mouth.  In the words of Dave Chapelle "Your not a hoe but you are wearing a hoe's uniform".  You do have every right to wear whatever type of clothing you choose but I'm saying.

When people try and the make the insane comparison that Kobe Bryant is better than Michael Jordan.  Please just stop.  I understand he has 5 rings and Jordan has 6.  Mike never ever lost any finals ever!!  Kobe has lost two and counting.  Somebody last year tried to use the dumb argument that Jordan has never won a game 7 in the finals.  B*tch Jordan never had to reach a game 7 you stupid motherf*cker!!  Jordan is the best ever period!!

When people touch my stuff and then ask for permission or don't even bother.  How are you going to ask for some of my candy after you done already put it in your mouth?  That is some disrespectful nonsense right there.  If I steal you in the jaw to knock my f*cking skittles out of your mouth and on to the floor you would be damn upset.  Why would I not be upset when you take my stuff.  *you know who you are*  Did I allow you to go into my book bag and use my laptop?  If I go into your purse and take your tampon without telling you and you need it later but it is not there you would be pretty pissed huh?  That is how I feel about my damn laptop.  * I would like to clarify about my earlier statement about clothes.  Women please do not stop wearing skimpy clothes I am not really complaining.

That is YO job

Nothing is worst than somebody who carries their job out in a half ass manner.  I know everybody gets frustrated with work and that is absolutely OK.  Listen, I know that when a job frustrates you at times you just want to scream "f*ck the world" and throw something.  It is okay, just do that but please do your job.

McDonald's workers I do understand that your job might suck balls but please don't give me any attitude.  I did not do anything to you.  Fact of that matter is that I am beyond nice to anybody that has control over my food.  I always use all my manners and even ask how your worthless day was even though I don't give a two hoots about it.  So next time when you are taking my order please hold the attitude or I will send in a complaint to the manager and your a** will be back making them fries.

Mr. Delivery man, you are a delivery man not meet me outside man.  When I order food off of campusfood.com I put instructions that says "I am at work inside" so that means bring your butt inside.  I do pay a delivery fee which means that you need to bring my damn order inside.  Please do not call me and say come downstairs because you are downstairs.  You are not downstairs and I know this because I am looking straight out the big ole glass windows.  There are nothing but chain smokers outside so stoooop lying.  Besides, if I have to walk outside to get my freaking food I want my delivery fee back and you will not receive the tip that you covet.

Bartender in the not so crowded bar stop acting like you don't hear me.  I am the section of the bar that only has three people in there and the music is not that loud.  Do you not want my tip that I was going to give you?  I do know that your hourly pay is nothing to write home about and my tip helps make the night a little better.  Whats that Bartender?  You don't like when we hold our money out to get your attention well I don't like it either so maybe if you acknowledge somebody and say"Hold on" or "give me 1 minute" we will stop.  Give me my damn drink on time and I will leave you the hell alone.

 Post office people I would start with you but that is a whole other post.  Disgruntled employees who don't do their damn job we SPIT on you!!

Moment of Clarity

I would like to take this time to clear the air on a few things.  A few things about myself and maybe some other random things.  So bare with me.

I am not really this angry all the time.  I promise!!  Sure there is a bunch of stuff that pisses me off to no end like lazy motherf*ckes collecting unemployment and sniffling, snot nosed, helpless little children that are thrust on me.

This one really crack me up.  Not even sure how this one even came about from these rants.  I am not suicidal.  There are times when I do think about suicide but it is only hoping other people do themselves in. (I kid I kid)

My childhood was a good one.  I was not abused, beat up or mistreated.  In fact those are some of the happier times in my life.  So there is no Law & Order:SVU happening over these parts.

In everyday conversation I don't really cuss all the time.  Only when I am taken to that point of no return and then all bets are off.  F*****ck!!  The only time I spit is when I see Oprah with no make-up but seriously I don't spit.

 Anybody who is reading this I want you to hold me to this:  If Derek Jeter of the New York Yankees gets  the 23 million a year he wants I promise that I will seriously try out for any professional sports league of your choosing because that means sports teams are just giving out free money and I WANT in.

Taken

What is a leader?  According to dictionary.com this is what we have:

lead·er

   /ˈlidər/ Show Spelled[lee-der] Show IPA

–noun

1.a person or thing that leads.

2.a guiding or directing head, as of an army, movement, or political group.

3.Music .

a.a conductor or director, as of an orchestra, band, or chorus.

b.the player at the head of the first violins in an orchestra, the principal cornetist in a band, or the principal soprano in a chorus, to whom any incidental solos are usually assigned.

Me personally I believe that a leader must be able to in times of necessity lie, cheat, steal, and even kill to retain or obtain power.  Now with that said what the hell are America's leaders doing about WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange?  We are looking kind of soft like South Korea when their Naval ship had a hole blown into the side.

This douche bag has been releasing classified documents upon classified documents and has gone unscathed.  Apparently this round of leaks will strain America's ties with other countries and putting informants and various other personnel in potentially dangerous situations.  How is he even able to still do this?  I know what he is doing is not illegal but some would say these acts are immoral.

I do not promote violence in a public forum however if it was up to me Julian would be hurting.  My first move would be to put in the call to the CIA and have this cat removed from his house.  He would then be taken to Guantanamo Bay and beaten within inches of his life.  Right when he is about to check out, resuscitate and then nurse him back to health then repeat process. I am sure he has a backup plan and or a team to get these documents out to the public and that is fine.  Everybody gets it!!  The Mother, the kids and even the damn dog.

Realistically speaking I am sure if Julian was to go missing the USA would get the blame and be looked at with suspicious eyes but so what?  I am sure the Spin Doctors on payroll could simply turn it into some type of conspiracy that has started to run rampant.  Do we not have computer hackers who can simply shut down wikileaks like the Chinese government did to Google a few months back?  Isn't it about time for that accidental fire with all fire exit doors nailed shut like that movie with Brad Pitt with that awful accent killing Nazis?  Whoever controls America's Matt Bourne it is time to get this sh*t popping!!

Julian Assange and whoever is leaking you these damn documents I SPIT on you with saliva induced toxins!!!

You can't handle the truth

I have decided to give you good people some truths about me.

1.I am registered Democrat.
However, I did not vote for Barack Obama.  I voted for the other guy.*black ppl's heart breaking all around the world*  Sue me!!

2. I love Halle Berry like Paris Hilton loves cocaine.
However, to have two ex-husbands and a baby Daddy I am pretty sure she has some screws loose and or missing.(That hurt to say that.  The Flinstones movie where she played the secretary helped jump start puberty for me.)

3.I hate it when I walk by cars and certain people lock their doors out of fear.
However, that is a smart idea one day I might just open the door and scare the crap out of you for pure sh*ts and giggles.

4.Tupac Shakur is a rap icon.
However, he was an average rapper and a knucklehead.  I know I know, he made the song "Brenda's got a baby".  In my opinion Brenda should have been slanging that D instead of taking the D.  Chew on that.  God Bless the dead.

5.My mother found my blog thanks to my bestfriend and my Mother read my Thanksgiving post out loud to me.*quite funny*  She was appalled at my language and told me to stop cussing. I smiled and nodded.
However, I just can't help it.  Not like I got it from her or anything. lol

6.Sarah Palin comes across as a non-intellectual piece of Alaskan moose f*cking trash.
However, she is a good looking old head and could be my sugar mom any day of the week.


7.Sales people pay me no mind when I walk into their stores with my beard grown out.
However, I am counting the security cameras so I can get you sucka!! *just playing Gov't*

Black Friday

So for the fourth or fifth year in a row I have gotten up early in the morning to partake in this Black Friday nonsense.  I only do this because of my best friend who swears this is some big tradition of ours.  All of this is bullsh*t getting up stupid early in the morning and going out and lining up in front of some stores to do some shopping for some "deals" that might not really be deals.

So this morning my friend comes to pick me up at 7am after being only two hours late having me wait early in the damn morning.  We end up going to the mall and saw all type of damn hooligans out there looking like a hot damn mess.  Listen folks just because it is early in the morning does not mean that everybody else is blind and can't see that you look like sh*t.  Ladies please take them ugly a** scarves with all them damn colors off your head.  If you hair is jacked up and you look like a nappy headed hoe then put a damn hat on please or stay your a** in the house.

Gentleman and I use that term loosely and I mean veery loosely please take off them doo rags.  You are outside the house and it is no longer the nineties.  You are not a rapper err- you are not a "real" rapper maybe something of an aspiring rapper but let it go.  Also, pull your freaking pants up sir!!  It is 2010 and your jeans look like them jerking kids from California.  Soooo, your jeans are colorful and tight but yet I still manage to see your boxers.  How does that even work?  I tell you what next time I see anybody with their pants below their waist with a belt on I will get one of my big football playing buddies to plow you.  You will then be broken.  Word to Star!!!  Matter of fact all you dudes out there with cornrows let that sh*t go too.  The prison look is dead man unless you are Jim Jones or Pusha T.

Another beef of mine are when people are just in the way.  Why stand in the way of the escalators when you see me with bags and you are not getting on?  Please don't lift your shirt up in public and rub on your stomach.  Why in the hell do you think people want to see your nasty stomach.  Please don't forget basic hygiene either.  It is very early in the morning but please please brush your teeth.  That morning breath is still rocking and  very very offensive.  Be mindful of others and keep some gum on you.

Gobble deez

Happy Thanksgiving  to everybody out there!!  Hopefully everybody had a safe voyage and will be grubbing very shortly.  I just like to to take this time out to say what I am thankful for.  What stands out to me this year is being able to share my thoughts on this forum.  So for that I am thankful for my followers and all of those who read this blog.  I originally started because I was mad at something and it has been kind of therapeutic writing these posts, all though probably not enough. lol  So to everybody THANKS for riding with me.  I have created an email that you can hit me up anytime with questions, comments, ideas, beefs whatever.  spittingandcussing.blogpsot.com@gmail.com

WELP!!  Now, that is outta the way lets get down to this bullsh*t.  I am driving home to MD today and I stop off in DE to grab some breakfast with one of my homies to catch up and I am leaving Ihop and my motherf*cking tire blows.  Luckily I am Pop's AAA membership and they were out there within 40 minutes or so.  Dude comes out and throws spare tire on while I am out there in the mist playing football with his kids.  *Go figure*

The spare is now on and my mission is to head to Pep Boys and get a real tire put on to make the rest of the voyage.  Not sure why I thought Pep Boys might be open today for a little bit you know for people who need to get tires, oil changes or other random car mishap sh*t.  Them sons of b*tches were closed and locked down like a Nun's legs. *rimshot*  Imagine how pissed I was to not be able to drive over 60mph the whole way home.  Made the trip exxxtra long.  As I was cruising along in the slow lane and watching everybody pass me by I just kept thinking about how they were cussing me the f*ck out for being in the way and almost felt bad.  However, I quickly remembered I was in the slow lane and they could go kick rocks!!

Just a quick thought before I go stuff my face.  In the grand scheme of things the Pilgrims were not sh*t!!  The Native Americans were bamboozled HARD. With that said:

I SPIT on you front passenger tire, Pep Boys and the motherf*cking Mayflower!!!

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!

Tell em why you mad son

I am mad because I went to Best Buy last night to purchase the new Lloyd Banks cd Hunger For More 2.  The whole experience was just completely mind boggling and damn frustrating.  There was a sign stating all the new releases for the week.  On this list Lloyd Bank's album was stated as being a new release which makes sense because it came out Monday the 22nd.  I look in the new release section there was no Banks anywhere to be found.  Lots of Kanye and Nicki Minaj albums everywhere to be found but nooo Banks.

Being the smart man that I am I don't fret but went to the Lloyd Banks section.  What did I see there?  A sign that says, "Lloyd Banks Hunger For More 2" but there were no damn discs.  So I am thinking that maybe Banks sold out *sidenote* yea the f*ck right* and there are more in the back.  Wishful thinking!!

After talking with a Best Buy associate I came to the conclusion that they are some dumb motherf*ckers and they are pretty much stealing money.  I ask if there are any of these albums are in the back.  He looked very very confused.  I let him know that there are signs everywhere saying that they have the cd in stock and he goes to the back to check.  He comes back to let me know that Best Buy did not even purchase the f*cking cds.  *blank stare*

I just simply want to know why the f*ck would you advertise that you have something you do not have.  Why would you not let your employees know of this situation?  Is this false advertisement?  Best Buy you were my favorite store of ALL time but now you a**holes have pissed me off.  I will probably shop there again but still.

Best Buy I SPIT on you for wasting my time, getting my hopes up, and never answering my question of why the hell you have signs up.

You named them what??

What is in a name?  You ever hear a name and ever think what the hell is that?  Unfortunately I see this sh*t all the time.  It is funny and sad all at once.

About a week or so ago my boy and I were watching the NFL and this name flashed across the scene of one of the players.  Marcedes Lewis of the Jacksonville Jauguars. WTF.  My friend asks the question " What kind of Father names his son Marcedes".  My reply was "I bet you his Father was not even around" but seriously WTF.  I understand naming your daughter Marcedes because you are setting her up to be a stripper, prostitute or something along those lines but the boy? 

Parents, stop naming your children something that cannot be pronounced within two attempts. That is embarrassing for the child and even for your simple a**.  I mean I would hate to hear the teachers pronounce a damn Shaquita.  What the f*ck is even a Shaquita?  Seriously, why would you even do that your daughter.  With a name like that her options in life are crack whore or baby mom.  I would even venture out on a limb to say that she will be both and do a stint in jail.

Here are a few rules I think should be followed when naming your children.  No names over 12 letters.  That is almost half the damn alphabet, stop that sh*t.  Pretend you are a employer and you see your child's resume with that name on it, what is the first thing that pops in your mind?  You know what scratch that if you are dumb enough to name your child something off the hook you probably don't have a resume.  Do not give your child a stage name i.e. Diamond, Storm, Passion etc.  Ethnic names are fine and cool but sometimes your child is just being setup for failure.  If possible stay away from these names too except if you are a royalty or heir to some oil fields or something.  Follow these rules and hopefully you too can stir your children away from failure!

Elephant in the room

Some people might say I have an anger management problem.  Me, I think I am level headed and have a great amount of common sense.

One of my friends emailed me a cragislistpost for an anger management study.  I will give you a quick snippet of what the email said:
• Is anger a problem for you?
• Are you quick to anger or act on your anger?
• Do you have outbursts that you are embarrassed about later?

Why is anger a problem?  I think that means that I am alive, well and functioning GREAT.  You are damn right I will get angry if somebody does some dumb sh*t or something idiotic happens.  Why the f*ck not?  Anger is just another emotion like being happy.  Nobody has treatments for happy management problem.  I know some motherf*ckers that are just cheesing all the damn time and they need to have that smile slapped off of their face.

Sometimes I am quick to anger and quick to act on my anger.  What is it to you chump?  Some people are quick to react and there is nothing wrong with that.  Quick reactions save lives.

 They got me on this one.  Sometimes I do get embarrassed from my outburst.  You know why?  Only because sometimes I get flustered while driving and yelling out my car at you in anger.  So, if I have ever called you a "motherf*cker" I meant to be more descriptive and say, "Morbidly obese Motherf*cker" or "Stupid Motherf*cker" and for that I apologize.  When used in that sense "motherf*cker" is a noun and the adjective is definitely needed.

So in closing I will say I did sign up for this study and hopefully they will learn that nothing is wrong with me and it is everybody who are just simple motherf*ckers!!!

You must not read my blog

I like to start off with saying that I am right 87% of the time.  I know what you are thinking that is a pretty high percentage he is a arrogant bastard to think he is right that many times it was higher motherf*ckers but I have made some bad calls as of late.

Mine as well start with nonsense of last night.  Let me set the mood.  On my way home from picking up food there was a little hold up at the intersection of 33rd and Powelton.  My passenger saw a former classmate, beautiful dark skin young lady with her friends on Powelton.  There is a car in front of me trying to make a turn, the oncoming traffic lane has a big a** truck coming with the driver on the phone and a green light.  My passenger speaks to her former classmate who in return speaks back as one of her friend darts across the street to safety.  The next scene of events was some of the duuuumbest sh*t ever!!  This chocolaty sister proceeds to dart in front of my car to cross the street and almost lost her life.  Had the driver not stopped she would have been a beautiful chocolate chip pancake.

First of all why the f*ck were you running across my car when I have the green light?  Second, what the hell happened to looking before you cross the street?  Third, and no offense to anybody how come your black people Spidey sense did not tingle for the BIG a** truck with the driver on the phone.  Fifth, and this should be no offense to anybody comment what made you think running after the white girl was a good idea?  Sometimes they are more prone to run to danger and face it head on.  Sixth, when your life was saved by the driver braking how come you did not slap the sh*t out of your friend for not telling you to "STOP".

Miss. Biker what were you thinking about today when I was in the crosswalk?  This clumsy chick almost runs her bike over my foot.  I mean we were all waiting for the green light so we could cross the street safely you saw me standing right next to you.  Did  you think I was a mirage or something?  Or was it the fact that you had your f*cking headphones in and were not paying attention and you really don't know how to ride a bike.

People who are just in the way I SPIT on you.

Tonka Tank

I should just go ahead and complete the cycle about my road rage err- driving tutorial.  Pedestrians suck balls, bikers should eat and choke on balls, but other drivers you take the cake.

There are days that I have no clue what you f*ckers are doing.  Lets take the day in the summer of 2009 when this stupid hoodrat backed her car into me.  This non geometry taking whore made this right turn at the corner and somehow got the corner back end of a delivery truck stuck in her front passenger window.  Not sure what kind of angle she thought she had to take but this sh*t was theee worst turn I have ever seen.  She somehow thought flooring the car in reverse was the way to go with a car right behind her. 

People who merge into my lane without a f*cking signal when we are side by side.  Hey b*tch you don't have a damn tank!!  You are not going to roll over my car we are going to collide and both our vehicles are going to be messed up and then I am going to fall out the car and fake a seizure.  Or if you look like you don't have a pot to piss in I will say f*ck the lawsuit angle and your face will meet my backhand. 

Taxi drivers I hate you all except for the one dude that took our boys into old city with a mp3 player type of thing for music.  Granted you almost caused an accident trying to pick us up on the corner but I suppose you can be excluded from this.  I am pretty sure a lot of you taxi drivers are nice people but you drive like you found your license in a box of crackerjacks!  Besides being rude, selfish, and ignorant you bastards could manage to shave and or shower here and there.

In the famous words of Kanye West "Wait til I get my money right".  When that happens all you f*ck boy drivers are in trouble.  I am going to get a hummer the real hummer. Military issued, gas guzzling, off road, drive through a mountain hummer.  I will purchase the BEST insurance known to man and have a freaking ball.  My license plate will say "It was me".  If you are driving in front of me and the light is yellow don't you come to a stop it means proceed with caution not stop your damn vehicle.  IF you decide to not obey the light I will ram my hummer into the back of your vehicle with no concern for human life.  While driving in front of me and you decide that the cool thing is to stop your vehicle and throw on your hazard lights and open the door I will take that b*tch CLEAN off.  Last but not least I know this is more pedestrian related but parents if you even step out with your little child in the street and it is my right away you already know what it is!!! 

Drivers that don't drive like me I SPIT on you!!!

Take the damn bus

Well since it is out there that I don't really give a flying 747 f*ck about pedestrians I should go ahead and let everybody know that I equally if not more dislike bikers.  It just so happens that a lot of bikers are damn hipsters go figure.

Bikers, ride around like they are either A) immortal or B) God and both answers are wrong.  B*tch you are on a f*cking bike.  That sh*t is some aluminum and rubber dawg!!!  You should slow the f*ck down and stop weaving in and out of traffic.  Other drivers give a f*ck but I do not, you know why FULL COVERAGE b*tches!!!  What really kills me is that they are suppose to obey the same laws as cars but they don't whatsoever and then have the nerve to get mad if they almost get hit.  Your bikes are not wrapped in armor you are naked like the pedestrians idiots so slow down and don't get in my way.

I am sure that bikers are some of the dumbest motherf*ckers known to man!!  In this one particular incident I watched a biker tailgate a car as this car made a left turn and then the car came to a sudden stop and then the nonsense ensued.  I watched the bike run into the back of the car and the driver collapsed onto the hood of the car like he was assassinated!!! My reaction was of the "Ohhh diiiizamn" variety.  He looked like he was in pain and could have used a hand but I kept driving home he should have been a smarter driver.  Looking back on things I could have at least called the ambulance but ehhh I am sure he had a cellphone.

The second incident this biker did the same exact thing.  It was like a bad case of dejavu stupidity!!  The reaction was more of the same on my part but this time it ended with giggles.  In short bikers that are all over the place weaving in and out of traffic, no hand signal using, no courtesy having punks all you guys eat crushed glass!!!

F&ck You Pay Me!!!

B*tch, when I have it so will you.  Bill collectors you can all suck my left n*t. Naw naw, I would not even give you that pleasure of doing that.*random alert*  Why do men say things like suck my d*ck or lick on deez nuts like that would be such a horrible thing?  In life isn't that what you want?  It makes no sense to ever say this in a demeaning way whatsoever.  Truthfully, you should add a "would you please" to turn it into a question and you might get a better answer. *end of randomness*

Bill collectors you are the bane of my existence.  I will talk to you once in a while you call but not every single time you call. So stop f*cking calling.  I pick up the first time and tell you "Maaaan, I aint got it but when I do we can work something out".  So why in the hell do you continue to call me all the damn time?  At no point have I contacted you to say "Hey I got it" so let it go.  I do not want to talk to you because we have nothing to talk about.  You want my money and I have none.  That conversation is no fun at all for you or me.  You calling a bunch of times a day does not but make me pick up the phone it does the exact opposite.  I am sure you are tired of leaving voice mails and I am tired of deleting them. 

I am thinking I will call you at random times of the day looking for something I know you don't have.  Better yet I will call your offices and just leave messages.  "Good morning, this is Brantley Taylor I am calling to say I don't have it.  When I do have it I just might make you beg for it even though I hate beggars.  So, if you beg for it you might never see it."  When I call you I am going to call you from random numbers so I can "trick" you guys into thinking that one of your friends is calling to see how you are doing.  Then when I don't hear from you I will use your first name so you think it is somebody from your past and make you want to call back. SMH

Bill collectors go drink after Magic Johnson!!!

I am not the Father!!

I think watching the Maury show made these feelings come out that I try so hard to supress.  It is not my fault that I feel this way it really is not.

Parents stop forcing your f*cking children on me.  I don't give a f*ck that your child is the sunshine in your damn life.  That is fine and dandy and everything but that is not my child.  Let your child be the center of your universe not mine.  I mean that was your 15 seconds of fun anyways!!!  If you ask me you probably should have been more creative and swallowed but that is neither here nor there.  The one child that is my pride and joy is my God child so everybody else can screw off.

Don't get it twisted, I do like children but I need to ease my way there.  The natural progression of me and the child building a relationship will happen without you trying to get a free babysitting moment.  The fact of the matter is that you think I am supposed to spend time with the lil booger because it is yours.  What makes you think I give a f*ck about you that much?  I understand that children are expensive, time consuming and can be down right annoying but you should not have poked holes in the condom because you thought the dude was a good catch or because the chick was so bad and you wanted her to be with you forever.

F*ck you, your child and for good measure your couch too!!!!

Put your hand in your pocket

Please put your damn hand back in your raggedy ass pocket.  There is nothing I hate more than motherf*cking beggars.  Don't ask me for nothing!!  In the words of 50 Cent "Come to me with your hand out I am going to spit in your f*cking hand".* random thought* Maybe my love of 50 cent music fuels my anger and aggression.

The kids who play AAU basketball, cheer lead, or whatever activity they participate in who stand on the islands by the train station absolutely kill me.  You know it is really the adults who are in charge of those shenanigans that all of my ire goes to.  What upsets me is that they are teaching these children that anything you want in life you should beg people for help and they will feel sorry for you and throw some money your way.  This is exactly how worthless individuals are raised to make sh*tty as* contributions to society.

Instead of having these kids with signs and buckets asking me for my hard earned money why don't you do something constructive you lil bastards.  I much rather your parents or coach take they lazy a*ses  to BJ's Sam's Club and buy candy in bulk and you get out there and sell me that.  I am more likely to buy three packets of M &M's for  $1 a piece than give you any loose change because you want to play in Florida.  B*tch I want to go to Florida too but nobody is going to give my grown as* money to take a trip.  How about hold a car wash to earn money?  I would take my clean car to a fundraiser and just might give you the money and not even get the car washed to help you out.  Oh, what is that you are too lazy to do any damn work well f*ck you and your dreams!!

Homeless people that wander the streets asking for money put your hands back in your pants because your pockets probably have holes in them anyway.  This one particular incident I was at Checkers and this woman was hungry and she asked me to get her some food.  In this particular incident she was asking for french fries, chicken wings and a soda from the Chinese food store.  So, I get her a chicken tender value menu and this broke beat bitch turns her nose up at that shit and yells at me because it is not chicken wings.  So if you have NOTHING and you are going to get fed for free you should shut the hell up.  She probably wanted money so she could buy more crack because I know her ass could not afford coke.



Beggars we SPIT on you!!!

Second Chances

In life sometimes there are second chances and other times not so much.  Some people know what to do with second chances and others don't.  Ideally you would think people would learn from their first mistake but some motherf*ckers are just too dumb to get it.

Lets take Clifford Harris for example aka T.I. aka T.I.P. aka I will get plowed in jail if I don't lift weights.  From jump street before the machine gun arrest he was already a felon for some stupid sh*t.  In theory he should already be walking on eggshells because he has f*cked up multiple times before but nooooo you had to be a bad ass.  You get the guns and silencers and get caught in the parking lot of a K-mart, Walmart, Target or something along those lines on some real f*ck boy sh*t.  When everything was all said and done Clifford ended up doing about a year and a day behind bars give or take time for good behavior or something.  Made a damn good cd in Paper Trail through all of this nonsense.  You would think that would be enough for a person to wise the f*ck up but  naaaw.


Fast forward a couple months after getting out of jail and getting married this dumb bastard gets arrested AGAIN!!  This time he was with his wife Tiny(yeah I know) out in Vegas.  He was pushing the Maybach with the wife and the dummy made an illegal U-turn got pulled over by the police and they got caught with drugs in the car.  First of all who drives a damn Maybach without the chauffeur?  Two, who just gets out of jail and rides around with epills.  Now, my theory is that he had the drugs to look at his wife but I guess in the grand scheme of things that is neither here nor there.  All I know this was hi umpteenth chance and the a*&hole could not get it right.  He has to do another 11 months in jail and was bitching about forgiveness and he needs help about his addiction or some nonsense.  I say f*ck this simple, young, rich motherf*cker!!  Go to jail redo your album and don't drop the soap.  However, if you do remember twist and clench!!!

Random text

As I have gotten older, moodier, and less talkative on the cell phone I have grown to love and appreciate the text message.  If you are in lecture and need to relay on a message  without leaving your seat or causing a distrubance BOOM there you have it.  If you are in lecture and your are taking a test and you are presented with something you have never seen WA LA text a friend.*jk*  Ever been in a situation where you wanted to ask one question and then end the conversation?  Well there you have it with a one and done text.  If done properly a text message can even make you appear smarter than what you are.  You can thesaurus some words look up a great quote or something along those lines.

Even though I love text messages very much so what pisses me off are early morning text messages that are beyond randomness.  I mean WTF.  What makes you think I am up at 7am on my days off?  So, even if I were up this early why in the hell would you send me a text message that has nothing to do with anything?  If you are going to wake me up please make me laugh, really need me, or be a damn good friend.  I mean what goes on through your head to even think this is even remotely appropriate? So, I don't f*ck with you like that and your text is not informing me that you have a pile of money waiting for me in a black duffel bag with a helicopter gassed up why even wake me up! 

If I do respond to your text message you then at least owe me the courtesy of carrying a conversation with me. If I do respond and you decide not to answer me back we will have problems that might result in your tires being slashed repeatedly.  If you do not have a car I will find you and throw my phone at your head and yell "TEXT".  I am not the nicest guy in the world but please believe a random person in my phone does not get the text early in the morning about nothing but on second thought maybe I should start.


Early morning random annoying text messaging people about nothing I  SPIT on you!!!

Hipster

The word hipster defined by dictionary.com is as follows:

hip·ster

¹    [hip-ster]  Show IPA

–noun Slang .

1.

a person who is hip.

2.

hepcat.

3.

a person, esp. during the 1950s, characterized by aparticularly strong sense of alienation from most establishedsocial activities and relationships.

From this definition we get somewhat of an idea of what a hipster is.  To be quite honest I am not sure how I feel about hipsters.  It is what we might call a love hate relationship.  I have many acquaintances and quite possibly a few people I would call friends that are hipsters so this is all baffling to me.  The love part is that I have spent quality time with the hipsters in my life and would not trade it for much.  There has been many beers shared over bowling and great music.  However, a few things about them bother me.

One of the big issues stems from the fact that they all seem to work and shop at Whole Foods.  This one particular experience just made me laugh and shake my head all at once.  To keep things simple security guard kept me under a watchful eye for most of my time in the store.  While most people may be irked by the situation it made me laugh that ole boy decided to watch me with all these damn weirdos in the store.  Reaaally, he works in a store with people tatted the f*ck up who have bandannas tied around the head and have the longest, dirtiest hair I have seen and you watching ME??  I know they can't steal anything out of the store with their tight as* jeans but they sure could put a loaf of bread in that bird nest on their head.

Another part of this love hate relationship that kills me is that I might be scared of them.  The hipsters I bump into seem to run in packs when I see them on the streets.  Secretly I might be scared that they are going to jump me, beat me up and force skinny jeans on me.  Then kidnap me and not let me shave or shower so I blend in with the rest of them.  Then some days I see them with their dogs that look like they have just escaped the gates of hell and would gnaw your f*cking ankle off.  Apparently there is a term for these types and are not hipsters from what I hear but you could have fooled me.