What do you mean???

I would just like to say that this post is not about anybody in particular and all characters and events are purely fictional.  However, if the shoe fits wear it ;)

Way back when in second grade I was the Spelling Bee champion.  Your boy was NICE!!  I wish more of that skill carried over but then the spell check system on the computer set in and it was a WRAP.  I can still spell most words but the crazy days of spelling ridonkulous words are behind me.

There was this project I was apart of and it dealt with group work and a decent amount of brainstorming.  Writing on a dry erase board works perfectly so the group can see what is going on as the ideas are flowing out.  SO, ideally the person who is doing the writing should be able to spell, hopefully.  Especially if you hold some type of administrative position.  You know something close to being a secretary.

At first this was no big deal but then it became downright hilarious and slightly embarrassing.  It then got me to thinking about a segment that I am going to call "What do you mean" (if anybody steals this idea I am coming in for 700%)  For example in the story, what do you mean your an administrative assistant and can't spell?

What do you mean you can't swim and you are a lifeguard?

What do you mean you are a chef and can't cook?

What do you mean you are a fireman and afraid of fire?

What do you mean you can't read but you are a librarian?

How are you a prostitute and not do anal?

What  do you mean your wife is white but you are pro black?

What do you mean your fat and Somalian? (that one was wrong)

What do you mean you are a trash man but don't want to throw trash in the truck?

What do you mean you are a crash test dummy but don't want to get in an accident?
 
How are you afraid of heights and you fly a plane?

What is that on your face?

People have been asking where I have been?  The answer to that question is everywhere and nowhere.  Lately, I have been struggling with what to write because of not wanting to hurt any feelings.  These days it just seems like everybody is super emotional and everything has to be politically correct.  So, I have taken all that into consideration and I have come up with a solution that works for everybody.  BITE ME!!!

What the hell is going on with a good portion of Philadelphia black males and their f*cking beard??  It has this pubic hair type of look going on.  Real scruffy, beady bead, ugly sh*t!  Who the hell told you dysfunctional bastards that is either A) attractive or B) going to help you got a job or C) friendly.  It looks like you have lil scrotum sacks on your cheeks trying to form a beard that can't connect.  If I was running a business, I am pretty sure I would not hire you and if I did it would be to stock rooms or scrub the toilet with the brillo pad on your face. You must be faaar away from having contact with others.  I don't really consider myself a "shook" type of dude but when I am in the corner store and see you walk in with your hoodie and your lawn on your face my guard goes up.  Sue me!!  I am probably wrong because I am judging a book by its cover but grooming counts for something.

I am guy who hates to cut my facial hair because I like the look but my hair is the smooth, silky, fine as wine type sh*t( I am full of it).  Seriously, I can go a full beard and not have those patch marks of hair that makes my face look like a checker board or a mine field whatever image comes to your mind first.  This one cat has a job with all that sh*t on his face and the job was going through changes and he needed to wear a suit and trim down the scrotum sacks on his face.  Dude threw a hissy fit and could not understand why this that and the other other. ( not a typo I said other other)  What he did not realize is that he looked like a human being with a real face when all that ish was gone.

Philly bols please cut that sh*t off!! If you do not want to be a dirty a** rapper LET IT GO.  You will look and feel so much better.  You might even get a date with real women that don't have names like La-A  pronounced LA-DASH-A (kid you not)

                                               The hell is that??


and I SPIT on your feelings too..ole soft a** punk!!!

Mad again

 Lately I have been doing well with my "good" days and have had very few "bad" days.  Well that sh*t ended abruptly today!  The smallest thing set me off today.

I lost one of my damn gloves today and I am beyond pissed!!!  I am 26 years old how the f*ck did I lose one of my gloves?  That is some 7 year old bullsh*t!!  I am terribly upset because I have one glove.  ONE!  The hell am I supposed to do with one?  Somebody made the suggestion to ball my gloves up and put them in my pocket.  Little kid sh*t!!  I am just beyond blown because the last thing of importance I have lost was my vir-- err never mind.  I was going to get a drink because I clearly need one but guess what they don't let 7 year old children into the motherf*cking bar.

When I was driving my left hand was on the steering wheel without a damn glove and guess what??  My hand was cold as sh*t!  To further piss me off and make my day even more miserable I almost got into an accident.  This simple motherf*cker was in my lane as I was trying to make a left turn. As the turn was happening I had to stop to see what the hell she was doing and she had the nerve to look at me like I was wrong.  This bug eyed heffer had no idea that if my left hand was not frozen I was going to attempt to put her damn eyeballs back in her head.  I am done for now.

Yeah, just like that!!!

Five Seasons

You are probably looking at the title and saying no you idiot there are 4 seasons. Fall, Winter, Spring, and Summer but there is one more and it is called Tax season.  There could be six with Killa season but that depends if you are a Cam'Ron fan or not.

Long story short I was trying to get my taxes done last week and I know somebody that does these types of things.  They asked if I would check them out and help them grow.  I was hesitant at first but was like let me help somebody out who is trying to do something with their life.  That was my first mistake!  From previous experience I know their decision making is questionable at best.  I'd rather work with a monkey in a lab but I digress.  Somehow I convinced myself that I was doing the right thing along with some other perks this person said they would be able to help me with on my taxes.

Setup the appointment to meet and this motherf*cker cancels saying they are not feeling well.  B*tch this is TAX season there are no sick days.  What kind of pills have you been popping?  Your company is not trying to hear that you are not feeling well and you can't come in and crunch numbers.  This is exactly why you are constantly searching for work now because your work ethic sucks.  Stuff yourself with medicine, buy a box of tissue, stock up on hand sanitizer and bring your simple a** to work.  There is a reason it is called Tax season, it is pretty high up there on that list of things.  You know the list that says the only thing guaranteed in life are death and taxes.  I mean the Grim Reaper does not take off of work although somebody could argue he has been letting Joan Rivers slide but that is for another day.

There is a chance that I am just being a jerk but I know that I was doing a favor for them and not the other way around.  I have a regular reliable tax person that usually takes care of all those things.  They have never not been available during this time of the year because they are professional.  The rules of the game they understand, respect and play them well.  Just know that you will never ever do my taxes and I am pretty sure you will not have the same job next year but no worries UPS is hiring.