Scrooge to the bums

Philadelphia bums are something else.  I try to work with some of these cats out here on the street and help out when I can.  More times than not I do not give bums any money just because they end up making more money standing out in front of 7-11 or they take the money and go buy crack.  I am not really sure about any of these two theories but this is just what I think so f*ck it.

So last night I am walking into a pizza shop at 12 in the morning and this bum is walking on the street and gives me a story about just trying to get enough money to get a token so he can get to his daughter or some semi heart warming story. I know damn well what he is talking is some b.s but I am in a festive mood.  So I reach into my pocket and just give him some loose change and told to be well.  He is all on his thank you thank you and goes on about his business.  I walk away knowing that I got my good karma meter onto the good side of things.

I am in the place for a few minutes waiting for the slice heat up and this dude walks in resembeling the same motherf*cker I just gave some change to.  He walks to the counter and asks the employee how long the place would be open for and then turns to walk out.  Before he can reach the door this dude asks me if he has any change because he is just trying to get $3 to get a slice. I told him I did not have any change and proceeded to leave but as I got outside I realized that was the same lowlife who asked me for money to go see his daughter.  This is when I realized that motherf*cker was not sh*t.  I mean he could have at least remembered I was the same dude he just saw less than 5 minutes ago.  Even if he did not remember I was the same dude he could have at least kept the same damn story.  Just trying to get home to your daughter for the holidays is always a good one and even the Scroogest of the Scrooges will feel something in their heart.

I just want the bum to know he has now messed it up for all the other bums and the stories they kick for the rest of the year.  I hope you made it home to your seed or enjoyed the slice of pizza you might have eaten.  That was your X-mas present you bastard!!  It was the X-mas present for all the bums.  The hoodie and coat I was going to give to the one guy in front of 7-11 is now going to Goodwill.  Scrooge is back motherf*ckers..Bah Humbug!!!

More reasons I hate the PPA

By now I have made it clear the pure hate I have for the Philadelphia Parking Authority.  I have never seen a more annoying and corrupt organization than them.  Well, I have but they might take me out if I speak ill of them.  I see what you are doing Uncle Sa--err never mind.

So on Sunday evening I was parking my car in University City and found a sign that said that you only had to pay for parking between Mon-Sat.  Sooo, like any reasonable person I parked there went on about my business and came back to my car to see a motherf*cking ticket.  Initially I was not mad but then I started to think about the f*ckery that was sitting on my windshield I became upset.  Most people usually leave and just cuss all the way home but not me.  I sat my black ass in the car and waited for Officer Dumb A** to come back.  Part of me was not sure if they were going to come back but they sure did!!

Their car parks on the block ahead of me and they get out to start doing more d*ckhead sh*t!  So I approach Officer Dumb A** with an excuse me and she tried to pretend like she did not hear me.  We were the only two motherf*ckers on the block who else did she think I was talking to.  When  she finally answered I asked why did I get a ticket when the sign says I could park she tells me that you have to pay to park every day even though the sign says different. I told her that was nonsense and then she told me the sign behind me said Mon-Sun.  She had a nerve to be rude and condescending like I was the dumb motherf*cker who could not read.  At this moment she went from Officer Dumb A** to Officer Dumb A** B*tch.  Long story short she told me to contest the ticket and take picture.

What makes me mad about the whole ordeal is that the sign said what it said so how the f*ck am I supposed to know that they meant Mon-Sun.  Reading is fundamental and dammit I read the motherf*cking sign. Her lame excuse was that somebody pulled the sticker off!  There was no damn sticker it was new freaking sign.  I called the number on the ticket to make an appeal and sat through a 3 minute recording only for it to tell me their office hours were Mon-Fri 9am-8pm. smh.  I went home to appeal the ticket online and Officer Dumb A** B*tch had not put the ticket in the system.  The next day I called the same damn number during business hours and sat through the same recording to be told everybody is busy and to hold for the system to start over TWICE.  I finally got to schedule a date but the fact that I have to take time out of my schedule to fight a ticket that is not even my fault blows my damn mind.  This is why I hate the PPA.  All yall can kiss my high yellow a**!!!

I know I can read!!!

You know you ugly when

What does it really mean to be on the short end of the ugly stick??  I won't sit here and claim to be on anybody's 50 Top Sexiest List of people alive or anything but Sam Cassell I am not.  I imagine my genes will provide some good looking, curly haired, light skinned sons but I digress.

Not really sure what made me started thinking about ugly people or as I really like to say "not that attractive".  I only say that because I don't want ugly children but ehhh with my genes who I am kidding that should not be a problem.  Sometimes I feel bad for all the ugly chicks out there in the world especially all the ones who have no clue that they have beaten with an ugly stick on multiple occasions but I have come to realize we all have roles to play in life.

Some of you are sitting here reading this and hopefully chuckling but you are trying to fight those thoughts creeping into the back of your mind that you are indeed one of these ugly chicks.  I will help you out with a real life scenario that I witnessed/caused.lol  I was in the club many years ago and this chick went to ask the DJ to request a song and I made the mistake of not realizing that my whisper was a yell and said, "She was not cute enough to get the DJ to change his musical selection".  At that point I could tell she realized she was on the short end of the ugly stick by the look on her face.  It was not that she was even ugly it was just that her haircut made her head look like a dodge ball dipped in sewage.

Another tell tale sign that you are on the wrong side of the stick is if you peaked aesthetically in high school.  If in high schools you were the sh*t and went to more than one proms in the same year and now you take yourself out to Old Country Buffet I am talking about you.  Sure, I know there are some people up in arms about that because they say they take themselves out all the time and there is nothing wrong with that and you might be right orrr you just could be Peggy Prudey and nobody has time for you.

Not even sure where I am going with this rant anymore but in short if you are ugly you damn sure better be extra nice, super rich or in short Oprah. j/k

...kinda

Nothing like a hood chick

I am not a man that really lacks confidence nor do I have self esteem issues but I would love to buy some confidence.  Not just any ole regular confidence from anybody but I want to buy confidence from hood b*tches!!  I mean there is not a damn thing you can tell these chicks.  There is nothing at all you can tell them and it is really quite impressive in an utterly disgusting type of way.

Today I was at a red light and these two West Philadelphia hoodrats were strolling through the sidewalk and before they could walk in front of my car the light turned green.  Usually I would have beeped my horn and told them to hurry the hell up and get out the way, but I was on my best behavior, waiting for them to cross. As they were taking their time getting across the street, the look that they gave me was the stankest, cockiest, most repulsive look I have been given in a long time.  They did not say a word to me but that look said it all.
"What the f*ck you looking at?  Yea, we taking our motherf*cking time getting across the street and what B*TCH!!  You see how good we look, we just came back from getting our hair did.  Look how long and silky this sh*t is!"

Sure, maybe there is something wrong with me because I got all that out of a look that was no more than 2 seconds long, but still. *sidenote* If you really think something is wrong with me you can kiss my a**.  Whenever I see ghetto chicks and their "swag" on display it makes me laugh, cry and get pissed off all at once.  That is how I know I NEED that.  I mean all in all these Mr. Ed weave wearing chicks have done nothing to me.  I don't have anything against them for the most part aside from the occasional extra mayo that they put on EVERYTHING, or them pulling out their ACCESS card while having $150 Jordans on their feet.  Then there is also the ability they have to procreate over and over and over again and all their kids are raggedy and dumb and the Gov't is always taking some f*cking money out of my check so they can continue to rock out, but I digress.  The point is that whenever somebody learns how to take whatever they have hood or not and bottle it up and put me down for 3 BIG bottles. 

Haters Everywhere

If anybody saw the  Floyd Mayweather vs.  Victor Ortiz fight last night you know that the ending caused a lot controversy.  I would like to state that I am not a huge fan of Money Mayweather at all.  I respect his ability, work ethic, and precision like right hand but lets be clear he is the reason why the term "we should have never gave them n*ggas money" was coined.  Sure a lot of his personality is him accepting the bad guy of boxing but still.



In case this video is taken down in a nutshell what happened was that Ortiz illegally headbutted Mayweather and was he was docked points for being a cheap shot artist.  He then hugs and kisses Mayweather on some soft a** stuff.  The ref tells both fighters to continue fighting but Ortiz is still trying to shake hands with Mayweather.  Floyd wants none of is trying to push dude back but then hits him with a left hook and a straight right and that was all she wrote.

Again, I am not a huge Mayweather fan but the amount of people saying what he did was dirty and or some hoe sh*t.  To all those people I simply say go f*ck yourself!!  IF what he did was illegal the knockdown would not have counted, he would have been docked a point and the fight would have continued but that did not happen because it was CLEAN as can be.  Remember Ortiz had the dirty move.

What about this hoe sh*t?  Yall can kiss my a** on that hoe sh*t.  After you leave your feet to headbutt somebody best believe that all bets are off.  The only hoe in the ring was Ortiz!  Ole soft a** lets kiss and make-up even though we are in a fight type of dude.  The beginning of every fight the referee says, "Protect yourself at ALL times" they aint saying it for their health. Please believe that they mean every last word of that.  Can you fault Mayweather for taking advantage of slow, soft, and stupid opponent?  Absolutely not!  He did what all great athletes do and that is to dominate and take advantage of the situation that they are put into.  When Peyton Manning is doing the hurry up offense and the defender does not make it across the line of scrimmage and he hikes the ball anyways I don't hear any uproar over that.  People just want to talk about how smart he is but why can't Floyd just be that smart?  I have my ideas but that is for another day.

I just know that if we are having a knife fight and you pull out a gun  all bets are off and best believe the first opening will be taken. At the end of day all the people yelling about Mayweather being dirty are what we call HATERS!!!  In the words of the Wu-Tang Clan PROTECT YOUR NECK!!!!

Somebody's watching me!!!

Thanks to www.philly.com.  I will say that sometimes these people writing in helps me find comfort within my own life. smh

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I moved into our first home two years ago. A few months after that, our lives got even better with the addition of our son. After living here for a while, we noticed that the neighbors behind us have a large window in their shower, and they tend to take a lot of nighttime showers. (I'm sure you can see where this is heading.) For a long time, we chose to ignore it, but my motherly instincts are getting the better of me now. I can't help thinking of the day when my son is old enough to realize what he's seeing.

My husband and I have been debating whether to tell our neighbors we can see them showering. Sometimes they get pretty carried away in there. Should I tell them we can see everything? And if so, how do I go about it without causing them to be embarrassed, ashamed or angry?

- Getting an Eyeful in Ohio

 Lets just start with the beginning of this letter.  Did you guys really have to throw the party about "our lives got even better with the addition of our son" in there?  You guys have less money than you did before, the dates have dwindled down, and if the wife is breast feeding the husband sure is not enjoying the fun bags anymore but I digress. I am sure you love your son more than life itself but shut up!

Soooo only after living there for a while did you notice the big a** window in your neighbors shower and that they did the wild monkey in the shower at night.  F*ck outta here who do you guys think you are fooling with that line.  I am going to go out on a limb and say that when you guys were house shopping you probably saw the big a** window and that sealed the deal for you.

When you guys said you "chose to ignore it" you really meant that you guys somehow managed to keep your lips shut and not tell your friends that you secretly tape your neighbors dig each other out.  Another thing don't try to blame this on your motherly instincts either.  You probably have not shed your pregnancy fat and your husband does not find your attractive anymore and he has started spending more time in the mancave with his Maxim magazines.  Then again your husband could be going through some issues getting the motor started and is too afraid to try the Extenze pills.  Let me tell you something else I know you and your husband talk about telling your neighbors but he does not want to and only engages in these conversations so that you feel he really cares about your feelings and such.  You are ruining his fun you selfish bastard.  STOP IT!!

How about you don't tell your neighbors and maybe just hang a damn curtain up in YOUR motherfreaking window.  I highly doubt they are embarrassed because they probably know yall freak nasties are watching them and they are purposely putting on a show.(there is a name for that)  At the end of the day you guys look like the fools for waiting so long to tell them about their showering habits.  It is too late now CHUMPS!!!

She is a lady of the night!!!

Thanks to Philly.com I have another Dear Abby advice column to answer.

DEAR ABBY: I'm dating a prostitute and have developed feelings for her. The problem is her "job" gets in the way. She has talked about getting another job, but nothing ever happens.

- My Name's Not John

 Answer:  Boooy oh boy!  Where do we even start with this right here?  I mean this sh*t riight heeere!!  Dude, I mean really so you know you are dating a prostitute and you are okay with this?  That alone lets me know that you have some low self-esteem issues going on.  We all have bad days and low moments in life but dating a whore is pretty bad.  I hope you don't mind me calling your lady friend a whore but I am just calling a spade a spade.

I will say this with the economy being as bad as it is I do commend you on finding a partner who has a job. (giggles)  Sure, it is the oldest job known to man but nobody is perfect, right? (more giggles)  I am just curious to as what point did you realize that you caught feelings for this hoe.  Was it before or after one of the many money transactions?  Did she give you a free hand job and it showed that you really meant something to her?  Did she give one of your friends a half off discount?  Truth be told I am curious how you two met because you may not have been a customer but good friends.  I apologize for thinking that you had to pay for sex because it could have been free of charge but I somehow highly doubt that. 

Sir, did you really think she was going to get another job?  When is the last time you looked at her resume?  The problem with her getting another job is that her resume has all the wrong buzz words.  Her resume has sucking, blowing, intercourse,anal, and things of that nature which are really not endearing to most employers.  At this point she can either go be a stripper or a porn star but I am not sure if that would really make you feel that much better about your relationship.  At least your friends won't feel awkward when they say they saw your girlfriend at work. (more giggles)

I would say that I feel for you because of your low self-esteem issues and this horrible relationship that you have yourself in but I don't.  Nobody told you to be Captain Save A Hoe!!  Besides you broke rules number 1 and 33

1. Never date a prostitute 

33. Never date a prostitute

Do yourself a favor and always use a condom because trust me she is a whore.( in tears) 

Monkeying Around

So on Saturday I went to see the movie "Rise of the Planet of the Apes".  Great movie and I think everybody should go see it but of course there were a few things that pissed me off.  And to think I was getting better with these things but maybe not.

I hate when people know what time the movie starts but yet manages to come in late.  For some odd reason that sh*t bothers me to my core.  Maybe it is because there are always some a**holes that will want to sit in the same damn aisle that I am in.  Sure, I always find a great aisle but I got to the damn theater early to find my seat and not have to ruin anybody's viewing pleasure.  Since this technology sh*t keeps advancing I think once the movie starts all late people must sit down at bottom seats and have a stiff neck from looking straight up.  If anybody attempts to sit in the good section they should be hit with a stun gun by a usher.  Pretty sure there are some legal issues with that but f*ck em, I am sure they will make sure that sh*t does not happen again.

IF you do come late to the movie and it has already started please shut the f*ck up!!  That is damn rude to come into the theater talking and being loud at that.  Saturday, these 4 dickheads walk up the steps making all types of noise because they are looking for 4 seats together.  Hey, a**holes it is the opening weekend and you are late go f*ck yourself and sit your a** all the way down bottom with the rest of the non time telling bastards.

Something else that really really makes me mad is the price of the damn concession stand.  Why is everything at that motherf*cker expensive as hell.  Prices are tripled for damn twizzlers, gummi bears, and other dumb crap.  For some reason when I see all these people walk in with nachos, popcorn and all other types of overprice nonsense I always want to knock it out their hands.  One day I just might and I am sure a riot will ensue because if I walk in the movie and I have just paid for two tickets, two sodas, popcorn, nachos, and some candy I am whooping a**.  I mean that is like almost $50 for a damn movie experience. wtf!!

After a few of these outings I understand why people bootleg movies at least they can enjoy the damn thing!!


Sidenote* If you have a ankle bracelet on are you allowed in the movies or out the house past a certain time?  Somebody help I am not too familiar with this jail thing.  I don't really know sh*t about jail!!

It's all in the game!!!

 * Disclaimer*
I am just playing...kinda lol

Soooo, I was sitting online talking to one of my boys about work.  We were talking about the stresses of working and how it seems to be more mental than physical.  Within the course of the conversation hitting the lottery comes up because who the hell would not love to hit the lotto for something stupid!!!  Neither of us are habitual players but sometimes when times are hard you are willing to try and will throw a few dollars out there here and there because you can't win if you don't play.   So through our dumbness this question was posed by me:

Is it wrong to rob drug dealers? (yea I know...wtf)  We were joking about robbing regular people but that is just so wrong for so many reasons but robbing the drug dealer..isn't that just all in the game?  I mean they sell dope and destroy a lot of communities so they have to get got somehow, right?  Sure, I am wrong for robbing because we should not rob but I'm saying....(sly grin)  If the drug dealers are going to get robbed who do they call?  The POlice(B-more city accent) are out.  If I got my best Omar Little impersonation on and threw in some Robin Hood and gave some of that money to some charities.  F*ck giving to the "poor" their houses,cars, and clothes are better than mine. lol

All in all that would be doing a service for the community because budgets are tight and the Rollers can't be everywhere.  For those not in the know the Rollers are the  Po Po, 5 0, Jake, them boys and all them other good names that the good ole boys in blue are given.  Think about if we stick the drug dealers up they will eventually get tired of getting stuck up and will give the game a rest right? *doubt it*  Think about all the good that come out of this situation.  You don't have to pay the person robbing the drug dealer because they keep what they took.  The dealers take a hit with the loss of cash and can't re-up and that means less crack head motherf*ckers in front of 7-11 always begging you for change.  Sounds like a win to me!!

Corporal Punishment

I believe corporal punishment should be legal in PA.  I have been dealing with some kids in a classroom setting and it leaves me debating if I want to do the snip snip so I don't have any children.  In the ideal world my kids would stay toddlers for 10 years then go straight to being a senior in high school and progressing with life from there but I digress.

 Jay-Z had a line "people don't get the picture to the weapons are drawn" and that is how I feel with these knuckleheads except there will be no weapons. :(  I can't even make them stand up in the corner or do jumping jacks. WTF!!!  Where have all the damn cowboys gone?  Why the hell is everybody soft like tissue paper, or Miguel the singer? ( heeeey sugar)

Every now and then there comes a point in a child's life were they need to be taken out back and have their a** handed to them.  A punch to their chest where they can't breathe for a good 10 seconds puts a lot of things into perspective.  Not only does it solve the immediate problem but in the long term they are sure to think twice about stepping out of bounds.  The only thing that might happen is that one of these dysfunctional kids might threaten to get their Dad buuut who am I kidding these motherf*ckers have not seen their Dad in years.  Hell, they probably think they came from the stork! * giggles to self *

Having fear of somebody that will not think twice about knocking the snot out of you, laying The People's elbow, and then picking you up off the ground to give you homework is a great thing.  It builds character and who does not need a little bit of that in their life?

Lockout deez

So, it looks like the NBA owners are going to lock out the players since both sides failed to reach a new collective bargaining agreement.  It is shame because the NBA is quite the popular sports these days with a bunch of talent in the league and the best team to root against with the Miami Heat.  It sucks for the fans but f*ck the owners. 

I get the fact that most franchises are losing money but that is on them.  Their owners should go one themselves for being idiots.  I mean they been b*tching about losing money and bad contracts and what not and then the Blazers go offer bum ass Greg Oden $8.8 million qualifying offer to stay in Portland.  WTF!!!  This fragile bastard has played in only 82 games since his 07-08 rookie season.  Two micro fracture surgeries on BOTH knees and a broken kneecap and you think Mr. Glass deserves that dough.  When he was healthy it was not like he was a world beater anyway.  The Blazers are much better offering me the league minimum to play center for them.  Both of my knees work and I am muuuch cheaper and I will actually be able to play in the games that I am getting paid for. 

How are you going to make ANOTHER bad contract move then want some people to feel bad for you that you are losing money.  I mean they are going to try and paint the players as the bad guys for making all this money they don't deserve but that is on the owners.  If I am the 4th best player on the team and you want to pay me #1 player money please believe that I will be taking ALL of the loot.  Take the Chicago Bulls when they lost to the Heat in conference finals, people were saying they needed another scorer.  Well, the last damn time I checked Luol Deng was playing in a 80 million dollar contract.  Carlos Boozer is making like 11 million a year or something asinine.  What do you mean they don't have another scorer.  These sons of biotches are getting paid like they should be averaging 25 points a game so that is your second scorer right there.  All I know is that Kevin Durant and Elton Brand should not be paid the same thing. 

Screw all the owners for making this mess and wanting somebody else to clean it up!!

More advice!!!

DEAR ABBY: My wife had an unhappy five-year marriage to her high-school boyfriend. They divorced when their son, "Noah," was 20 months old. Then she met me, and we have been married for 34 happy years.

I adopted Noah with the consent of his birth father, who also remarried and had a family. My wife and I added a daughter to ours.

I was aware that Noah had re-established contact with his birth father and half siblings. We supported it. But we were blindsided when Noah told us he plans to take back his original surname. He says it isn't "personal," but he wants his children to have their "rightful" name and know their "true" lineage.

Abby, we are hurt and confused. This has caused a painful rift in the family. Please help.

- Noah's Real Dad in New York

Listen, big guy, let it go.  I know it does suck that your "son" wants to change his last name back to his REAL last name.  I get it you raised this young gunner as he was your own kid, let him eat you out of house and home, paid all those bills.  This is exactly why you should have read my previous post about not raising other people's kids.  You are hurt and have the right to be.  I mean you adopted the lil bastard when he was 20 months old so it was not like he could tell you he did not want your simple last name.  So it really is not personal and made his own decision.  Which brings me to my next point.

I am not a mathematician by any means but doing the math Noah is a 30 something grown a** man.  I need you to let this grown a** man make grown a** decisions. At this age he is probably out of your his house, maybe has a wife and some kids.  You work on enjoying retirement and if you really want another son pop a Viagra and go find a young woman who needs a Sugar Daddy.  

Advice Hour

 I was reading an advice column/article thing on www.philly.com and decided to give my take on it.

DEAR ABBY: Because my 90-year-old mother is homebound, she qualifies for a meal program through a senior charity service. The program is free of charge for those in need. She didn't like some of the meals, so she asked me to give them to my father-in-law, "Louis."

Louis is 88. He still drives and is well-off, so he doesn't qualify for the program, but he accepted the meals that were offered. My mother has now decided she can no longer eat any of these meals, so I told her we should discontinue the program.

When I mentioned it to my wife, she became very upset with me, saying her father appreciated those meals. I reminded her that her father is able to drive himself to the supermarket and buy frozen dinners similar to what is being provided through the service. My wife is so angry she now says she will never again share any leftovers with my mother. It's an understatement to say this situation has created a major fight between us.

Is my wife correct in being upset about my discontinuing the meal service?

- Charity Begins at Home

 No, your wife is a f*cking nutcase and you should pay her no mind in whatever bullsh*t that is coming out of her mouth. Do not argue with her she is clearly off her rocker.  You are completely right in this situation and discontinuing the service is the right thing to do.  Keeping that program alive is what we call stealing.  Inform your wife of this please.  I am pretty sure that this free program is coming out of some taxes or some other b.s. that the working man is unwittingly paying for.

Now, this is the most important part sir so listen up.  The next time you see your wife...wait for it...slap her!!  She will be shocked on why you did this to her.  That was for your Mom.  If my future wife would ever say anything simple about my Mother like that there would be consequences and repercussions.  

In closing thank you for having some tact and class.  I really do appreciate it.  Tell your wife her leftovers sucks a** anyways.  However, I do hope you are not a pedophile because your wife is pretty childish!!

Eff Yo Village!!

Been a long time since I have posted something up here.  Almost two months in a week or so.  For all of the time I was absent I was in the heart of my anger management study and wanted to give my best effort to finishing that honestly. (giggles)  I will now try to get back into the swing of things.

I was out at a function a few days ago and the quote "It takes a village to raise a child" was thrown out there.  When I first heard this quote all I could do was laugh and roll my eyes at that nonsense.  As I have gotten older I have come to really dislike that quote and want to burn that motherf*cking village down!!  Too often I find that quote leads to piss poor and lazy a*& parenting. 

People already know that I am no fan of taking care of other people's children.  Many years ago I was at a National conference for a student organization and the head of the organization let his 2 year old son just run all over the place.  He commented on how somebody asked if he was not afraid that anything would happen to his child and he answered with this: " Why should I be?  He is amongst thousands of his brothers and sisters" *sideways face*   F*ck out of here!!  That is that dumb thinking that will get your son snatched, have you crying on the news saying that you just want your son back.  To automatically think that somebody has the same interest in your child is very naive and stupid.

In a nut shell raise your own freaking kids and stop expecting/wanting somebody else to.  We may live in the same neighborhood but chances are I am not looking out for your kids.  Just tell them bastards to stay away from my car!!

I don't have enough spit to put that fire out!!

Things I have been thinking

It has been a long time.  While I would love to say I have been in the lab cooking up something marvelous for everybody to read that would be a damn lie.  There has been plenty to spit and cuss about but I love my Mother and decided not to put them to words and I was not prepared to deal with a particular mafia at that time.  With that said there has been a few things I have been thinking.

1.Even though I did not vote for President Obama, please let that birth certificate sh*t go.  I mean really though?  IF he was really born somewhere else applaud that man for being a hustler. 

2.For all the Black people walking around talking about needing our "papers" shut the f*ck up!!  Listen, the President has moved on and so can you.

3. Donald Trump, really though? 

4. Warren Moon is arguably the greatest QB of all time.  Go look up his stats.  Then think about the fact that he was not drafted by the NFL because they were not sold on a black QB and has to "prove" himself in the CFL for 5 years.  Where he grabbed 5 chips there.  Give him his 5 years back with 3,000 passing yards a season and 20 touchdowns at least.  Just saying.  Right cousin?

5. Yo, Philly dude stop calling me "fam".  I am not your f*cking family.  My own family does not call me family a**wipe!  I gave you my name so next time speak up!

6. I know you listen to Lil Wayne, white suburban kid but if you call me "Slime" one more time.

7. I don't condone random thorough a** whoopings of 2vs. 1 at all.

8. Men should pee in the men's bathroom and vice versa.

9. Why has Camden, NJ not been blown up and started over yet?

10. I have replayed this "what if" fight in my head over and over.  Majority of the time Mike Tyson takes down Ali.   I know Mike was crazy but he hit too hard and was too fast for a man of his size.


Just what I have been thinking.

I need my own advice column

While at work browsing the internet for my usual f*ckery I stumbled upon this article/advice column/ask me anything type of thing.  The question was mildly entertaining  and got me to thinking that I really could have people send me their questions and I could reply with sound advice.  This will be the first attempt:

Question: My outlook on dating is very traditional - man courts lady and pays for dinner, etc. Then, after you figure out that you truly want to continue to date, the woman offers to pay. The man I am dating seems a bit more on the equal end - I paid for last night, you pay for tonight. It started very early on, maybe the eighth date or so. I kept getting the vibe that I should offer to pay, and then it got uncomfortable. We went on a vacation together and he wanted to split everything. The place was not my first choice of vacation spots, so the more he said, "OK, give me this much for the bill," the more animosity I felt. He earns a good $30,000 more than I do, his company pays for a lot of his food/ transportation, and his rent is half of mine.
I approached him about this when I was frustrated beyond belief, and basically unloaded repressed anger and rambled on about how female and male roles in a relationship are not supposed to be equal. His response was "Well, I'm not Prince Charming, and don't expect me to be."
Then he claimed he was "used" for money in his last relationship, which I find very, very hard to believe.
I have a very tight budget, with student loans and a huge rent check, yet I still manage to "split" everything. I get him meaningful gifts, and his are only so-so, in meaning and value. I don't need expensive things, but it would be nice to be treated like a lady in terms of dinners and vacations.
Growing up, my dad was amazing and I was his princess. He showed me the role a man is supposed to play: Take the girl out, open her door, pull out her chair, etc. How do you suggest approaching this situation?



Answer:  Nothing is wrong with being traditional as we all are traditional in certain aspects of life except for you Apple computer motherf*ckers.  Early on is the 8th date?  Sweetie, I am sure by the 8th date this gentleman thought you guys would be doing the wild monkey and realized nothing of the sorts was happening and that maybe you needed some persuasion in the form of buying your own sh*t!  It is vacation you gold digging hookah.  If he pays for everything on vacation that is not exactly vacation for him sounds like a damn job.  And if you did not like that place you should have said something and maybe you guys could have gone somewhere else.  Had you been doing what you need to have been doing before the 8th date this predicament would not be happening.  So the f*ck what he earns $30,000 more than you do.  Are you the damn government and going to tell him how and where to spend his money?  If his rent is half yours maybe you should stop be so high maintenance and move to wherever he lives.  Sooo, you got frustrated and b*tched him out huh.  I bet you were singing that Destiny's Child Independent woman song.  Question!!!  Who in the hell are you to doubt his last relationship?  You need to be doubting your last relationship that is why you are out there dating and complaining about dinner.  I am glad that you manage to "split" everything with your limited funds that means that your budget is working but for future reference if you were a little smarter maybe you would have gotten a scholarship for college dumb a**!  His gifts are only so-so in meaning well that does suck.  I am going to pretend you did not say the  in "value" comment.  Actually,  how the hell you going to follow up and say you don't need expensive things but the "value" was just okay.  You need to make up your damn mind!!  You were you Dad's Princess? * blank stare*  He showed you the role a man was supposed to play huh.  This sounds like a case of Law & Order: Special Victims Unit and that is probably why your a** is so messed up now.  You were having sex with the wrong man you dumb heffa!!

We did this

What is a thoia thong?  Seriously, what is a thoia thong?  It was a a damn good song by R.Kelly but what is it?  That question leads me to my next question:  What the hell were we letting that grown a** man get away with?

We completely failed as human beings with him.  I will be a nice guy and not talking about him marrying 16 year old Aaliyah and giving a golden shower to the 14 year old chick on camera.  However, that is some bullsh*t that he did not do a damn day behind bars for that nonsense but I digress.

Lets start with the song "Gotham City". Not one of his more popular songs but a decent song nonetheless.


At about 2:39 in the video the motherf*cking Batmobile is going to appear.  Guess who is driving the Batmobile??  It is not Batman but the guy Kellz!!  Back in 7th grade I probably thought this was cool but as a grown a** man I am at a loss for words.

Up next is a personal favorite of mine.



Within the first 20 seconds in the damn video he is sitting on the side of the jacuzzi with his hair half braided.  Sure, he could be waiting on somebody to finish his hair but the problem with this is that this started a trend where a bunch of nappy a** motherf*ckers walked around like it was cool.  Your hair should either be braided or out but not both.  I mean truthfully speaking after a certain age no grown man should have his hair braided but that is a convo for another day.

Umm, and this sh*t above us!!  This man is a damn purple suit.  The only grown men allowed to wear purple suits are Prince and Steve Harvey.  Prince because he like used to have this aura or some sh*t around him and Steve because he is the only ignorant son of a b*tch that can pull it off.  I mean look at dumb a** Robert and his nipples showing.  Is that really a PURPLE doo rag?  Is this man really wearing a compression arm sleeve on like he plays in the NBA.  What is the belt buckle thingy majig?  Is that a tongue sticking out some lips or is that a piece of angus (pause)?  Why does this man really have purple gun holster on?  Dawg, you are not shooting nothing but lil girls (sorry was supposed to leave it alone).  And why the hell did he have on purple leather pants. That look was last perfected by Eddie Murphy in RAW.

We as human beings really let this sh*t get out of hand.  Somebody should have sat his a** down somewhere and talked to him, maybe gave him a hug. I still want to know what a thoia thong is!!!

What do you mean???

I would just like to say that this post is not about anybody in particular and all characters and events are purely fictional.  However, if the shoe fits wear it ;)

Way back when in second grade I was the Spelling Bee champion.  Your boy was NICE!!  I wish more of that skill carried over but then the spell check system on the computer set in and it was a WRAP.  I can still spell most words but the crazy days of spelling ridonkulous words are behind me.

There was this project I was apart of and it dealt with group work and a decent amount of brainstorming.  Writing on a dry erase board works perfectly so the group can see what is going on as the ideas are flowing out.  SO, ideally the person who is doing the writing should be able to spell, hopefully.  Especially if you hold some type of administrative position.  You know something close to being a secretary.

At first this was no big deal but then it became downright hilarious and slightly embarrassing.  It then got me to thinking about a segment that I am going to call "What do you mean" (if anybody steals this idea I am coming in for 700%)  For example in the story, what do you mean your an administrative assistant and can't spell?

What do you mean you can't swim and you are a lifeguard?

What do you mean you are a chef and can't cook?

What do you mean you are a fireman and afraid of fire?

What do you mean you can't read but you are a librarian?

How are you a prostitute and not do anal?

What  do you mean your wife is white but you are pro black?

What do you mean your fat and Somalian? (that one was wrong)

What do you mean you are a trash man but don't want to throw trash in the truck?

What do you mean you are a crash test dummy but don't want to get in an accident?
 
How are you afraid of heights and you fly a plane?

What is that on your face?

People have been asking where I have been?  The answer to that question is everywhere and nowhere.  Lately, I have been struggling with what to write because of not wanting to hurt any feelings.  These days it just seems like everybody is super emotional and everything has to be politically correct.  So, I have taken all that into consideration and I have come up with a solution that works for everybody.  BITE ME!!!

What the hell is going on with a good portion of Philadelphia black males and their f*cking beard??  It has this pubic hair type of look going on.  Real scruffy, beady bead, ugly sh*t!  Who the hell told you dysfunctional bastards that is either A) attractive or B) going to help you got a job or C) friendly.  It looks like you have lil scrotum sacks on your cheeks trying to form a beard that can't connect.  If I was running a business, I am pretty sure I would not hire you and if I did it would be to stock rooms or scrub the toilet with the brillo pad on your face. You must be faaar away from having contact with others.  I don't really consider myself a "shook" type of dude but when I am in the corner store and see you walk in with your hoodie and your lawn on your face my guard goes up.  Sue me!!  I am probably wrong because I am judging a book by its cover but grooming counts for something.

I am guy who hates to cut my facial hair because I like the look but my hair is the smooth, silky, fine as wine type sh*t( I am full of it).  Seriously, I can go a full beard and not have those patch marks of hair that makes my face look like a checker board or a mine field whatever image comes to your mind first.  This one cat has a job with all that sh*t on his face and the job was going through changes and he needed to wear a suit and trim down the scrotum sacks on his face.  Dude threw a hissy fit and could not understand why this that and the other other. ( not a typo I said other other)  What he did not realize is that he looked like a human being with a real face when all that ish was gone.

Philly bols please cut that sh*t off!! If you do not want to be a dirty a** rapper LET IT GO.  You will look and feel so much better.  You might even get a date with real women that don't have names like La-A  pronounced LA-DASH-A (kid you not)

                                               The hell is that??


and I SPIT on your feelings too..ole soft a** punk!!!

Mad again

 Lately I have been doing well with my "good" days and have had very few "bad" days.  Well that sh*t ended abruptly today!  The smallest thing set me off today.

I lost one of my damn gloves today and I am beyond pissed!!!  I am 26 years old how the f*ck did I lose one of my gloves?  That is some 7 year old bullsh*t!!  I am terribly upset because I have one glove.  ONE!  The hell am I supposed to do with one?  Somebody made the suggestion to ball my gloves up and put them in my pocket.  Little kid sh*t!!  I am just beyond blown because the last thing of importance I have lost was my vir-- err never mind.  I was going to get a drink because I clearly need one but guess what they don't let 7 year old children into the motherf*cking bar.

When I was driving my left hand was on the steering wheel without a damn glove and guess what??  My hand was cold as sh*t!  To further piss me off and make my day even more miserable I almost got into an accident.  This simple motherf*cker was in my lane as I was trying to make a left turn. As the turn was happening I had to stop to see what the hell she was doing and she had the nerve to look at me like I was wrong.  This bug eyed heffer had no idea that if my left hand was not frozen I was going to attempt to put her damn eyeballs back in her head.  I am done for now.

Yeah, just like that!!!

Five Seasons

You are probably looking at the title and saying no you idiot there are 4 seasons. Fall, Winter, Spring, and Summer but there is one more and it is called Tax season.  There could be six with Killa season but that depends if you are a Cam'Ron fan or not.

Long story short I was trying to get my taxes done last week and I know somebody that does these types of things.  They asked if I would check them out and help them grow.  I was hesitant at first but was like let me help somebody out who is trying to do something with their life.  That was my first mistake!  From previous experience I know their decision making is questionable at best.  I'd rather work with a monkey in a lab but I digress.  Somehow I convinced myself that I was doing the right thing along with some other perks this person said they would be able to help me with on my taxes.

Setup the appointment to meet and this motherf*cker cancels saying they are not feeling well.  B*tch this is TAX season there are no sick days.  What kind of pills have you been popping?  Your company is not trying to hear that you are not feeling well and you can't come in and crunch numbers.  This is exactly why you are constantly searching for work now because your work ethic sucks.  Stuff yourself with medicine, buy a box of tissue, stock up on hand sanitizer and bring your simple a** to work.  There is a reason it is called Tax season, it is pretty high up there on that list of things.  You know the list that says the only thing guaranteed in life are death and taxes.  I mean the Grim Reaper does not take off of work although somebody could argue he has been letting Joan Rivers slide but that is for another day.

There is a chance that I am just being a jerk but I know that I was doing a favor for them and not the other way around.  I have a regular reliable tax person that usually takes care of all those things.  They have never not been available during this time of the year because they are professional.  The rules of the game they understand, respect and play them well.  Just know that you will never ever do my taxes and I am pretty sure you will not have the same job next year but no worries UPS is hiring.

There Goes The Neighborhood!!

I tried being positive.  I mean I really did but F*ck these past few days.  More specifically this cot damn snow and all the nonsense and dumb a** people it brings out.  I know the Summer time is the killing season but Winter is definitely dumb a** wipe season.

There was a pretty decent size snow storm a few days ago that provided Philly with about 16 inches.  Or two of me.  So, I grab a wonderful parking spot on Spring Garden and then I let Mother Nature do her thug thizzle.  I knew there would be a bunch of snow surrounding the car but what I did not expect was the dumb a** snow plow drivers to put all the snow on my car.  There was a bunch of open space in front of my car that people were not allowed to park in, who knows why they had to put all of the snow in my area.

As I am digging out of this mess made by the wonderful city employees of Philadelphia one of the insightful residents of this city comes out from his his place of employment to tell me about where I parked.  B*tch, I know where I parked at because I park there all the time.  He then wants to tell me it is a snow emergency route.  WRONG!!  You know why it is not a snow emergency route because there is no sign and it is not on the list of emergency routes that they city provided.  I don't give a rat's a** what you think you heard on the news.  You heard not a damn thing sir.  I was friendly with this upstanding gentleman but he just kept talking about how they plowed me in good. *pause*  The last thing I want to hear is how much snow is surrounding my car because I am shoveling it all by my damn self while you are on the sidewalk watching me work.  Sir, I enjoy you wanting to have conversation but not while I am busting my butt go jump in front of a plow.


The city of Philadelphia has some pretty stupid snow policies but what is a city without some nonsense.  After the snowfall residents are expected to remove snow from the sidewalk in front of the residents within 6 hours.  Cool, you want to keep everybody safe and such I understand but you also say the snow can't be thrown in the streets.  So the snow can't go in the streets and has to be off the sidewalk or face a fine.  Some areas don't have little areas of green to throw the extra snow do you want them to eat the damn snow?  Go figure, you can earn yourself a fine throwing snow back in the street.  You ever think the city is trying to suck all the money out of your pockets?



 The PPA had the nerve to be giving out tickets today.  PPA there are people who don't have snow off of their cars because there is nowhere to put it and barely anywhere to drive.  How the f*ck you going to be out there ruining days?  I hope somebody comes by with a huge chunk of ice and ruins the back of your knee you simple son b*tch!

Also, to the lady who in the street trying to shovel out her friend.  Hooka, the street was all ice and there are cars driving you can't stand in the middle of the street.  You are blocking traffic taking up the whole damn lane.  The cars beeping their horns are beeping at you deaf, dumb a**hole!  I probably should not have rolled down the window and asked you to move in that tone but if I hit you white lady they may have thrown my black a** in jail.

I spit on you PPA (again), snow plow operator who did that ignorant nonsense, the guy trying to have a conversation as I was digging out and the stupid chick in the middle of the road.

Camden

What should be done with Camden, New Jersey?  It has a bunch of problems already.  Can it be saved?  Should it be saved?  Lets start with problem number 1.

Camden resides in the state of New Jersey.  This might be the base of what is really going on with Camden.  It is the armpit of America.  Nobody really wants to visit NJ it is more of a rest stop to somewhere better like Philadelphia or New York.  What has NJ ever really done for you?  Sure, they have given us Redman and Naughty by Nature and Joe Budden but that could or could not be a good thing.  However, we do have Tahiry because of it so I digress.

Camden has this whole violence issue.  It was ranked the second most dangerous city in America last year.  So with that said the fire company and police department have been cut in half.  The place is already a freaking war zone and the city loses half of its heroes because of budget cuts. These cuts took most of the police officers that were the newest recruits and let them go. So in theory, the youngest and most physically able ones are no longer on the force. That leaves them with a bunch of old fat, doughnut eating, out of shape cops running around trying to patrol the jungle.

You throw in the fact that it seems like their city officials, more specifically, the mayors were always getting arrested for some nonsense.  Mob connections, bribes and all other types of unscrupulous actions that is not becoming for a public official.  Then there is that pesky rumor that if the drug trade in Camden was to disappear, so would the economy because the two are do deeply tied into each other. I don't wanna use the words in theory again, so in essence, the drug dealers may be the smartest mother *uckers that reside in Camden. When bad habits, violence, and strife are passed down from parents to children and that is all that surrounds the area, change becomes a very difficult thing to do.  It takes a lot of time and a lot of money.  Neither of which Camden has.

I believe the remaining police officers should be given "that order".  You know the shoot on sight order.  The gangsters and thugs have clearly taken over the city and they should be removed if you want order restored.  A task force needs to be put together to scout all the lowlifes get pictures and then take care of business.  One criminal at a time can catch a bullet to the dome or be nightsticked to death.  This will be a long and grueling process and is probably not in line with the budget cuts that they city has under taken. There is the other option of destroy and rebuild.  Maybe go all Frank Rizzo on them and just firebomb the city.  Whoever gets out of the burning building and then can manage to survive the hail of bullets should be allowed to carry.  Survival of the fittest type of deal but hey who I am they are never going to let me run sh*t anyways!!

Over some cake??

You know the saying about having your cake and eating it too?  Well this dude meant ALL of that.  Yup, I know you are not sure if you should be laughing or shaking your head.  My suggestion is to laugh and then shake your head.

I was on my way to pumping out another blog post and that article caught my eye and I could not just let it go.  It got me to thinking intensely about baked goods. * I know smh*  There are only a few baked goods in this world that I am willing to have a fight over.  My Mother's black bottoms I would most certainly ask you to step into some clear space if you eat the last of my black bottoms.  You know why because the way the chocolate and cream cheese come together to make love is some type of magical union of good and evil.

Then there is German chocolate cake.  Which quite possibly is my favorite cake of all time which would make me invite somebody to fight but I would leave out the fact that it is a gun fight.  Not even sure where to start about this cake or even what to say.  It is one of the wonders of the world.  I have to pace myself when I have one of these cakes so that I do not eat it within the day.  It is great for breakfast with a glass of milk and makes a wonderful lunch on the go.

I was going to bash the guy in this blog but the ridiculousness of everything I just typed has done more than enough.  I am just curious to know how dude feels knowing he shot a friend over some mother freaking cake.  There will be no street cred in jail for busting your gun over some cake.  Those ten years or whatever you will be sitting in that small dark cell can't possibly be worth it.  On the bright side I am sure every once in a while they will serve you cake that you wont have to share unless Bubba wants some.

PPA Deez

December 24th 2010 I was in Philadelphia making preparations to travel home for Christmas and had the strangest interaction with a Philadelphia Parking Authority agent aka Satan's spawn.  The words were only few but were loud and clear and maybe confirmed my greatest fear about them.

I was on Chestnut St on Penn's campus getting ready to tap the ATM and hoping it did not spit out a receipt saying, "Yeah right you know nothing is in here".  As I took a step towards the bank I noticed the PPA coming up the street so I decided to play it safe and purchase a parking ticket and throw it in the car.  Lucifer's child gets to me and noticed the car before me already had a ticket and says,"This guy keeps putting tickets on the cars I mean he could at least save me some.  It is Xmas Eve I am not going to give out a lot of tickets."  Needless to say I was shocked and appalled at what was just said.

That gave way to what I had been thinking all along that they have quotas to fill and possibly a commission based system.  His statement pissed me off in so many ways and took me to so many different levels of anger that I had never experienced before.  Sure a lot of these agents are just doing their job but does not change how I feel about them and plus for every agent that is just doing their job there is one that is looking to screw you over.  Now, I would wish harm on any individual but I would not mind if every PPA vehicle came up with flat tires and their little ticket machines were smashed to a million little pieces.  Just for sh*t and giggles if an agent happened to be ambushed with snowballs that would not be too bad.

Sorry H*es

I would like to take this time to apologize to some people of the world.  As part of my maturation as a man I am learning to say sorry when I am wrong which is not that often.  However, I think I have never really had this problem but for the sake of the intro lets say I did.

In December or November I wrote a blog about strippers and not everything I said about them was fair and or accurate.  Not all of them are hoes or cum waste dumpsters. They are real people with real emotions.  What made me come to this realization was the Kanye West album My Dark Twisted Fantasy.  There was a skit with Chris Rock and some random woman who may or may not have been imitating Amber Rose, Kanye's ex.  My friend and I were talking about what Amber might have said when she heard that skit.  Then it hit me this chick is brilliant.

Here we have a bald headed ex stripper chick who gets saved by one of the biggest musicians in the world.  Essentially old boy played Captain Save a Hoe to the tee.  So now they are finished with each other and this chick is THRIVING without him.  She has parlayed this tricking into a nice little career for herself.  She had a Ford modeling contract, has a sun glass line coming out, a reality tv show, and gets paid a sh*t load of money to show up and host parties.

My hat goes off to you Amber because you are one of the illest hustlers/entrepreneurs I have EVER seen.  I wrapped my mind around the fact that plenty of people myself included really just bust jokes about strippers and their profession but this woman's career is currently better than mine.  Being a stripper can't be all bad because a lot of them find suitable suckas partners this way even though these same folks just talked horrendously about them.  To all those strippers out there from the bottom of my heart I hope you can accept my apology even though I was pretty accurate in the first blog but ya know who is counting.  Amber, Yeezy taught you well!!

Guns don't kill people, people kill people

I would like to start off by saying that I do support the right to bear arms.  Little arms, medium arms, big arms I love having the right to be able to posses them.  Sure these weapons can dish out a lot of pain but only when used in the wrong way.  All those that posses firearms should engage in some type of safety course and no that turning the gun sideways is not a kill shot!!

Where all this firearm talk comes from is the article that I was pointed towards: Idiot Dad.  In a nutshell there was a gun show in Massachusetts, a Father let his 8-year-old boy shoot a 9mm micro Uzi submachine gun (yeah some Call of Duty type sh*t).  The 15 year old who was supervising this area advised the Dad against this because of the kickback from the gun and you guessed it the little boy shoots himself in the head.  Does not survive and now the Dad is trying to sue the guy who co-sponsored the machine gun expo.

First of all what kind of crappy Father takes his 8 year old kid to a machine gun expo?  Matter of fact I will give the Dad the pass on maybe trying to teach his child gun safety.  I want to know why you thought it was okay for your child to shoot a Uzi.  It is a damn Uzi for goodness sake.  This is a two handed weapon that grown men have trouble shooting outside of the exception of Arnold  Schwarzenegger and other roided up guys.  Why not hold the gun with the little boy while he is trying this weapon out if it was such an important thing for him to experience?

It behooves me that the Father signed off on paperwork saying that DEATH could result from walking in this expo and completely ignored all advice advising him of this decision.  Sir, I think the people of Massachusetts should sue for being such a complete dumb a**.  This is valuable court time that is being taken up by the World's Greatest Dad!!  You never wish harm on anybody and I am sorry for the pain that this man and his family has felt but dude you did this to yourself.  Your common sense is very low, matter of fact probably null and void but your balls are  the size of grapefruits.

this made me come back early

I should not have left you with out something to cuss to!!  Channeling my inner old school rap if you know a lil anything about that.  Honestly, only a few people have inquired what has happened with the blog updates but I figured I start out with the swagger anyways.  I took time off as I got a lil busier  and just did not feel like typing a dag on thing.  In my time off I have run across many different topics I have wanted to share with you so over time they will be put on this outlet in time.

Today, I was perusing my favorite website www.hiphopdx.com today and saw the infamous Gucci Mane making a stir again.  It was not for going to jail, or claiming to be mentally unstable but this big ole ridiculous tattoo on his face.  Gucci Mane!!!

Listen, I am by no means a "street" dude but I understand it.  From all accounts Gucci is that dude when he was doing his thing and I respect it but WTF.  We get it you sold blow and you probably call yourself the "Ice Cream Man" on your spare time but a damn ice cream cone on your face.  First of all the original Ice Cream Man, Master P, is probably laughing at your dumb a** somewhere.  Dude, you got a tattoo of a triple scoop ice cream cone on your FACE.  Who does that?  Did Baskin Robbins give you advertising for this monstrosity on your face?  Of all the tough things to put on your face you put ice cream on your face cream puff!!

What if your career as rapper does not really work out because all signs are pointing that your time is starting to go the way of the dinosaurs.  If you blow all of your money and you have to start trapping again how successful do you think you are going to be with that?  The task force will already know who you are and the few new officers who don't know you will because of that sugar cone that is on your face.  You can't blend into the public with a ice cream tat on your face.  They will catch you every single time my dude.

When the weather warms in the next few months I hope it does not melt!!