Conversation with a Prostitute

I just like to preface this by saying that 1. Mom I love you and I promise I am staying out of trouble :) and 2. I have never used a prostitute nor do I have any plans to use a prostitute.  To those who pay for sex more power to you but that is not my thing.  IF I did however decide to use a prostitute please know I will get the most out of  my money.  She would have to turn tricks while standing on her head while doing a line of coke in a Motel 6.

One day last week I was headed to the bar to see if one of the bartenders I am friendly with was working and while driving I peeped a Hispanic lady on the corner milling about.(apparently Hispanics are the Blacks mans Kryptonite)  I turn the corner towards the bar and I take a look and was not as impressed up close as I was from the distance which seems to happen a lot these days but I digress.  I drive by the bar and see that the bartender was not working and I should have went home but something told me to drive around the block again.

On my first drive around the block I see the same woman and I get a better glimpse and something clicked in my head like, "Oh sh*t she is a hooker".  The worst thing that could have possibly happened in that situation happened..I made eye contact with the hooker and she started to speak. *If you have no interest in said hooker don't make eye contact*  At that exact moment I made the split decision to give the readers what they want and pulled over.  As I watch her walk to the car I am completely rolling because 1. she is a hooker and 2. she is just not that appealing.  Here is the exchange that happened.

Hooker: Whats going on?

Me: Whassup with you?

Hooker: Working.  So what you want?

*I have no clue what to say*

Me: What you got?  How much?

Hooker:  BJ for $20

Me: Damn, that is a good price!! (I really have no clue at all but it sounds reasonable)

Hooker: I know. I'm saying.  *looks me up and down* For you I would even go lower for you.

*completely thrown off now*

Me: Are you around here often?  * at this point I am just searching for sh&t*

Hooker: Naw, I just around here tonight.  So you going to let me get in the car?

Me: Uhhh, huh!  I don't have any money.

The hooker walks away.  I drive around the block laughing at the situation and I see her dancing on the corner of the block by herself and then I realize that she was on drugs.  That should be the end of the story but I got the bright idea to circle around the block AGAIN to get a video of her doing her crackhead dance for my amusement.  This time I thought she found a customer because she walking with this young black dude but then all of a sudden he hit a Barry Sanders move away from her and ran across the corner.  Say no to drugs and hookers!!!

State Employees...smh

Most state employees are pretty damn useless and I really mean that from the bottom of my heart!  Some of the most inefficient and simplest motherf*ckers ever!  I has to renew my car registration up here in the good ole state of PA and they finally send me my registration in the mail but there was no damn registration sticker in it.  What comes next is the email conversation I had with my new friend.

Subject:  Registration no sticker

Message:  Today I received in the mail my registration but there was no sticker in the envelope.  When is the quickest I can have new stickers sent out to me?  Thanks

Thank you for contacting Driver and Vehicle Services.

I will be happy to research this for you. So that I may further assist you, please respond with the following information:

The title number for the vehicle in question

The license plate number for the vehicle in question

The vehicle identification number (VIN) for the vehicle in question

The year and make of the vehicle in question

When responding, please include all previous e-mail.

Please do not send attachments, as these cannot be opened or processed at this location.

Thank you for your inquiry,

XXXXX XXXXX

PA Department of Transportation

www.dmv.state.pa.us

Personal information has been removed from this e-mail for your protection.

I respond with the appropriate information title, license and all that other good stuff that I will not be posting for all my imaginary Double D, flat stomach, big butt having females stalkers ;)

Thank you for responding with the requested information.

Our records indicate that two separate transactions were completed on our website on 5/27/13. The first was your registration renewal and the second was an address change. The registration card you received was issued to your new address as a result of the address change.

Because the address change was not completed prior to the renewal, the registration card and sticker, issued as a result of the renewal, were sent to your previous address and may not be forwarded. If you do not receive your registration material within ten days of 5/27/13, you may use one of the following options to apply for replacements:

Option #1:  Please complete form MV-44. This form may be downloaded from our website by using the MV-44 link, or it may be obtained from a notary, messenger service, or automobile club in Pennsylvania. As long as the application is received within 90 days of the date indicated above, there will be no fee for this replacement. Please refer to the form for additional instructions. From the time we receive your application, please allow 12 days for receipt of your replacement registration materials.

Option #2:  You may visit an online messenger service. This type of business is able to issue replacement registration materials for you immediately; however, a service fee will be charged. To find the nearest location, please click the Locations link here.

Hello,

I received my registration in the mail at the correct address and have the physical copy but the sticker was not in the envelope.

Thank you for contacting us again.

That is correct. When your address is changed, only a registration card is processed. The registration card you received was issued to your new address as a result of the address change.

Please do not send attachments, as these cannot be opened or processed at this location.

Thank you for your inquiry,
XXXXX XXXXX
PA Department of Transportation


I mean if it is me and I can't communicate please let me know and I will gladly work on my skill set but this simple b*tch does not understand that the registration came to the correct house but it was not complete.  The first message stated that I had my registration but not the sticker so I am lost in her confusion.  I would bet money on the fact these employees are trained to complicate the issue or frustrate you in hopes that whatever you are trying to accomplish you will just quit before having them do too much work.  I am not exactly sure but somehow some of my taxpaying dollars contribute to her simple a**!  All I want is for the people to do their damn job and send me a damn sticker since they did not do it properly the first time.  I don't want to print anything out, make any stops, or pay any damn service fees.  Department of Motor Vehicles you can kiss my high yellow a**!!

I just need somebody to answer this question!!

My focus has been lacking in the weeks past to sit down and put some words to the good ole blog.   Been tons of bullsh*t going on to speak about and I happen to remember none of it  but I am not going to cry over spilled milk.  Few random thoughts I wanted to get off my chest:

There as been a lot of people getting engaged and others actually getting married and it just lets me know that I am getting older and just in one of those phases in life where people are dropping like flies. I think it sucks that I am not a young 20 something anymore but oh well.  Maybe I am something like a Hater!  While I am happy for most but I just can' fight the "negative" feelings.

1.When I see a hot female with a less than stellar guy a piece of me dies. ( I know beauty is in the eye of the beholder but f*ck you this is my damn blog)  It is pretty bad to think that he is either rich, hung like a horse, or she is being held hostage which is probably still a sensitive topic but ehh.  I am pretty sure he really is a nice guy and she is on Meth.

2. I know it is pretty petty but I don't think I could ever date a female that does not eat meat.  Probably a lot of fine women out there who don't eat meat but the hell with that you got to eat a hotdog or something.  I mean realistically there is nothing wrong with that lifestyle and many do it for health reasons but you aint special or trendy so sit your a** in the corner.

3. Women who don't drink you can go kick rocks too!  Be grown and act like we are in the movies and drink a damn glass of wine.  Not like I said take whiskey shots with me but if you can you have already won in my book.

I have only asked this question twice and nobody has given me an answer and I want one dammit!

Do you think every time a reformed hoe gets engaged an angel gets it wings?

Jason Collins

Unless you have been living under a rock, today NBA basketball player Jason Collins let it be known that he is a gay athlete.  This is seen as monumental because he is the first male athlete of one of the four major American professional sports teams to make this announcement while being a active player. (I use that loosely)  There has been overwhelming support for Jason Collins and his decision while others who could give zero f*cks about it.  These types of situations always seems to bring the people out one way or the other.  I have no rhyme or reason to this blog but a few things peaked my curiosity and I figured I share my thoughts since everybody else is.

1. I hope no NBA team takes away from Jason's "moment" and decides to sign him just because he is a openly gay male athlete and tries to gain monetarily from his decision.  There is some executive out there drooling at the idea of signing him.  Now granted if they did that would be capitalism at its finest and while I agree wholeheartedly that capitalism has no moral base they should let the man live. *editors note*  Change of heart naw f*ck that sign him and make all the money you can off of tickets, jersey sales, dildos with the team logo on it and whatever else you can sell.  Why do I say this?  That brings me to my next point...

2. If Jason Collins is not signed to another team which is highly possible there will be a ton of people saying it is because of his sexuality.  There will be all types of lawsuits claiming discrimination, protests and whatever else you can think of.  His sexuality will not be why he is not signed. I don't want to hear a single f*cking peep about it being because he is gay.  He sucks as a basketball player flat out.  Dude is 7'0 of sh*t point blank.  Check the stats for yourself.  If anybody sees me in the streets and even begins to mutter anything of his sexuality being held against him I will find the closest basketball and drill you in the face.  He is a 34 year old basketball player that has a career average of 3 points a game.  He just really sucks!


3. I know this a big deal because of him openly coming out and still being an active professional athlete but  have people not watched the WNBA?? I have some women in that league that I want on my "Secluded dark alley team".

4. Shout out to Chris Broussard for taking a stand for something he believes in.  As society today pushes for those to be more accepting of all those who are deemed  "different" why are those of popular opinions are lambasted by the media.  Shouldn't people be accepting of his viewpoint he feels since he certainly did not put Jason Collins down in any shape or form.

5. Has anybody checked in on Jason Collin's twin brother Jarron?  Imagine how he feels that anytime he tries to get a female they looking at him sideways like, "Yeah right we know you came out the closet".  Just imagine him trying to plead the case"but that really is my twin brother! "

Men might be from Mars but women are just stupid...

I have long stood by the statement that most women lack common sense except for a few and my Mother.(I love you girl!!!)  Please believe I want to be proven wrong SOOOOO bad but it rarely happens.  Time and time again I am left scratching my head asking myself is it me?  What will be next is just random moments in time that may or may not be from me or somebody I know.
 Text conversation:

Lady: Want hummus for dinner?

Me (allegedly) : Just ate cupcake...I know nothing of hummus really

Lady: I'll get you shwarma. I have a gift card.

Me (allegedly): Aww thx but I am good.  Just ate cupcake.  Gift card from the work contest?

Lady: Nah just a random card. And I was talking about eating at 8PM but since you said no twice then forget you.

Me (allegedly): oh ok cool.  Tough crowd, I said no because I did not want it to be a waste. And say 8pm next time and there wont be any confusion.

Lady: I know what time you take a dinner break.  Clearly you don't jerk.

Me(allegedly): Please don't act like we have never gotten food not on my dinner break.

 *silence..no response*

*hour later*

Lady: Are we still eating?

I mean what the hell was that?  Tried to be polite and decline dinner and have somebody save their money and they get bent out of shape.  How the f*ck am I supposed to know what time you want to get me dinner if you don't specify.  Probably is my fault that I missed the "Mind Reading 101" class.
*Bloggers note*
As I was writing this blog if that was about me I just received that last text*

Will give another example just so you know it is real:

Girl:Wake up lets get breakfast.  I am getting dressed now.

Guy: Okay, well let me shower and get myself together.

Girl: Okay, well just text me when you are on the way.

Guy: Okay cool

*hour passes by*

The guy send a text to the girl saying he is on the way.  He shows up and knocks on the door and this is the exchange that happens next.

Girl: I am not ready what are you doing?

Guy: I sent the text message like you said.

Girl: Oh, well I aint respond!!

*baffled look on the guys face*

Listen, if I am wrong or missing something in that text message exchange please let me know.  I thought she told the guy to text when he is on the way and not text and wait for a f*cking response.  Again, I err-- the guy must have missed "Mind Reading 102" class.  Shoot, why the heck is she not dressed if over an hour ago she said she was getting dressed.  Does it really take women that long to put some damn clothes on?

Discipline

For the most part I think I am a pretty smart and resourceful guy who can find the answers to most of life's pressing questions.  As of late there has been this one question that has stumped me and I am not really sure if there is an answer.  How do you discipline a " bad chick"?  For those who need clarification or who are asking themselves is the idiot serious I mean "bad" as in tough, gorgeous, a dime and so forth.  How do you discipline an out of pocket bad chick that is not yours?

It is quite possible past experiences have led me to this question.  Then again maybe they have not.  So this next story may or may not be true. What if I told you that once upon a time a motherf*cker forgot my damn bday even though it was just a topic of conversation.  What if you were tricking/courting this same motherf*cker and they still forgot?  I mean what can you really do?  Do you limit the amount of time you talk with them?  Do you put them on timeout and cut communication?  What if all they offered was a damn apology and not even an offer to give you some "sloppy joe"?

 Let me tell you why none of that sh*t works... it because they are bad as sh*t and there will always be some dumb a** that will date them and try and give them everything they want.  They will never learn.  You can cuss them out and tell them that are rude and inconsiderate but they could give two f*cks about it because they don't have to put up with your crap.  Disciplining these heauxs becomes such a hard thing to do but they do need discipline so they don't breed a bunch of disrespectful a** kids!

The only proposal I really have to eradicate this problem is for me and men around the world to start dating only ugly and fat chicks.  If she is just ugly and not fat then that does not count.  If she is just fat and not ugly that sh*t does not count either.  Has to be a combination of the both.  This way all the bad motherf*ckers are left in isolation and hopefully they can think about all the dumb sh*t they have done.  However, I am sure it will always be that one guy that never had a hot girl EVER in his life will see so much good sh*t standing there looking lonely and cave. smh

The Male Ego

The world will come to a end one day.  It won't be from nuclear war, natural disasters, or even from Aliens who will come here to enslave us all and stick probes up our a** but from the male ego!  When not contained the male ego is some of the most egregious sh*t EVER!!!

I was told this story by a friend in my inner circle and all names with be withheld to protect the innocent or some sh*t like that.

A friend owns a house that is rented that originally had only two people living there. One on the 4th floor and the other on the 3rd floor.  It was like that for a few months until somebody moved in on the second floor.  Everybody has their own private bedroom but the kitchen and bathrooms are common areas sort of like freshman living.

The 2nd floor guy who is Dominican happens to head to the kitchen to fry some food (insert racial joke) but does not have any vegetable oil.  So what does he do?  He sees that somebody else has vegetable oil on the counter and decides to use their oil without asking.  So he uses about half the bottle of vegetable oil to fry some f*cking chicken.   The guy from the 4th floor is observing the new guy use all this vegetable oil

* few hours go by *

The 2nd floor guy who is an older Black gentleman comes back and sees that somebody used his vegetable oil.  So naturally he is  upset and goes to the guy on the 4th floor because they have known each other for a few months.  That guy says he does not want to get involved but that he witnessed the new guy use the oil.  With that said the old guy goes to visit the new guy.  The new guy initially denied using the oil and in a few profane statements said he did not know what he was talking about.  He then decides to come clean and say he used it and offered him $3 for the oil.  The sh*t that happened next I STILL can't believe.


Words were exchanged between the older Black gentleman and the Dominican dude.  The usual expletives and words insinuating a fight. The two gentleman throw fists and get down and dirty.  The older dude says f*ck it and goes to grab his knife. * Rule #1..never bring a knife to a gunfight*  The Dominican goes into his room and pulls out his gun.  Both of these simple motherf*ckers got busy.  Oldhead get shot and the Dominican dude gets stabbed (insert sterotypical Hispanic knife joke).

So pretty much what happened was that these a**holes went to the hospital and I am sure jail time is sure to follow over some VEGETABLE OIL.  I have never even heard of anything like this.  I have enough of my fair share of wild stories but most people let the gun fly over money, women, lack of respect you know normal people sh*t but VEGETABLE OIL.  To think that old guy could have taken the $3 and got more vegetable oil or that the Dominican dude could have just not used somebody's property without asking that this whole situation could have been avoided.  Ladies and gentleman the male ego will destroy this planet.  May God have mercy on us all!!

Everybody is a tough guy

Everybody wants to be a tough guy.  I can't necessarily blame them.  If you look on the big screen, the small screen, the magazines women love the tough guy.  I mean who does not want the women? *Shout out to Frank Ocean*  When is being a tough guy taken too far?

Sat night I was out with my homie at this spot we frequent enjoying ourselves and this ole fake tough guy was trying to ruin my night.  My boy is at the bar carrying a conversation with a lovely young lady when out of the corner of my eye I see a guy I know talking with fake tough guy.  At first the conversation seemed normal but something was just "off".  So I approach the guy I know and asked him if he wants a drink when fake tough guy starts with his sh*t.

Fake Tough Guy: Tell your man to chill out

Me:Whats the problem.

FTG: I need 3 feet I need 3 feet.

Me: *looks around and realizes the place is packed..gives him blank stare* OK

FTG: I am not alone in here.  I want to do whatever you want to do.  Its whatever!!!

Me: Ok, but just not in here.  I know the owner and the DJ lets not mess the money up.  Let me buy you a drink man?  We not about that nonsense it is nothing,

FTG: I got a bunch of money in my pockets!!

Me: Ok. *turns to bar to get my boy*  Yo man, we are not doing this tonight with this dude.

*lovely young lady leaves because who wants to catch an accidental uppercut*

A bunch of calm downs, chill outs and other peaceful terms have been thrown out to prevent FTG from catching an eye jammy.  FTG's boy comes in who looks newly 21 with soft spots on his head and a face that has never seen a razor or shaving cream a day in his life.  He grabs his boy who has this petrified annoyed look because he knows FTG is a fugazy a** drunk!

So once the situation was defused what were we left with?  The lovely lady running away to elsewhere in the spot, my boy and myself worried about FTG doing something stupid.  The babyfaced guy has to worry about his boy doing something.  The guy who was originally in the conflict has to worry about the FTG doing something stupid and the FTG making out with the short haired butch looking chick on the wall.  NOBODY wins!!!  Fake tough guys and alcohol does not mix.  Just stay the f*ck home.

Victory is that of the Ravens!!!

It has been a long time coming for me to say this.  FINALLY the Lombardi Trophy has come back home to Baltimore!!  It has been a long 12 years since we had the trophy home with us.  Not as long as some other franchises but we hold ourselves to higher standards.  I am actually a tad pissed because I wrote this blog post and the damn computer deleted it but my Ravens won the Superbowl so you can't kill my vibe.  Lets get straight to it.

I like to give a big f*ck you first to all the Pittsburgh fans who decided to run their mouth to me even though they have been at home since the playoffs have started.  I really do hate your team and you guys have made it even worst this season.  I am respectful to you guys but I think I am going to throw it out the window now Sh*ttsburgh!  We will see you guys next year!

Patriots fans, where do I even start with you f*ckers?  The arrogance that runs through your veins is just completely mind boggling and completely blows me away.  You think because you guys have the Golden Boy as your QB that you guys are just going to win it every time and think you guys have won it every single damn time.  News flash it has been 9 years since you had a chip so take your head out your a**!  We have beaten yall 2 out of the 3 last times we have played.  A few years ago whooped that a** in Foxborough.  Stop it, we will see you guys next year!!  Also, Wes Welker you need to enroll in college and take the class, "Check your B*tch 101".

To some of the Eagle fans who talked sh*t to me.  You got to be f*cking kidding me.  I grew up on this team because of my Pops.  I have shown you guys nothing but respect but you talk that crap to me when you guys became the laughingstock of the league.  That one really hurt me but I should expect no less.  A lot you guys are trash anyways.  Especially you Northeast motherf*ckers!  Get to .500 next year a**holes.

Skip Bayless eat a d*ck!!!

Lets put this sh*t to rest.  Leave Ray Lewis Alone.  Two time Superbowl champion, two time Defensive Player of the year, greatest Raven of all time, and greatest middle linebacker of all time, and arguably the greatest defensive player of all time.  I don't want to hear anything about your problems with him off the field.  A jury of his peers said not guilty of murder please let it be. 

Then here comes this Deer Antler spray story which conveniently happened to come out during Superbowl week which is a perfect time for a company to get free press.  Media crucified this man.  What I found funny was when the man who made allegations that he used this Deer Spray made an apology saying he never saw Ray use any of the substance it got brushed under the rug.  All you pieces of sh*t can kick rocks!  Everybody and their holier than though stance.  Funny I did not hear any uproar about Dan Marino and his extramarital affair that produced a child out of wedlock get that much press.

I like to take a minute to shou tout the biggest Raven fan I know my little sister!  Shout out to all the real fans that rode through good and bad times.  Shout out to the bandwagon fans.   Shout out to the driver of the armored truck driver who is going to pay Joe Flacco.  Lets go RAAAVEEEENS!!!

I am not done but I am done for this post.  Ravens are the Superbowl champions again.  The organization is now 2-0 in the Big Dance.  Please don't come at me this week or matter of fact the rest of the year with any nonsense without expecting a full out war.  To the motherf*cker that text me the Ravens cheated last night, sweetie let me give you my A** to kiss!!  *drops keyboard*

I am out B*TCHES!!!

Kevin Garnett the habitual line-stepper

Kevin Garnett this Bud is for you!

I have never been a fan of Kevin Garnett for any of his time in the NBA.  The older I got the more and more I realized I did not like him.  I am not sure if it was from the arguments with people that he was a better player than Tim Duncan which is still hilarious.  Maybe it was the fact that at some point people thought he was the best player in the NBA even though he was not the best at his position.  When the Celtics won their last championship my dislike of Garnett was at an all time high.  Simply because of this piece of coonery:


I mean really???  Dude, stop it. smh  That was the Adidas campaign slogan at the time and those folks ate that sh*t up.  Mine as well have been shucking and jiving.  Sure, I laughed hysterically and when I need a good laugh I still watch it but damn.

You have gotten older and your reputation as a bully is becoming bigger and bigger.  Exhibit A  and B.  For the record Tim Duncan should have gotten into his a** that day but he is too nice for all that.  There are countless other times of Kevin Garnett just being an all around d*ck but the sh*t that happened last night with Carmelo Anthony is definitely over the line.  Allegedly what happened was during the game last night was that the habitual line-stepper know as Kevin Garnett  tells Melo that his wife, "Tastes like Honey Nut Cheerios".  Not for nothing Honey Nut Cheerios is one of my favorite cereals in the world and is absolutely delicious but I be damned if another man tells me my wife tastes like that.  After I respond with "thank you" the left hook follows but I digress.  If this is indeed what happened Garnett is a b*tch for not making himself available to have that "talk" with Carmelo.  All of the security guards and police officers that were to keep the peace after the game should have at least let Melo get in there for 3 to 4 solid hits.  As Garnett's playing days winds down I can only hope that somebody gives him that "work" on that court like the NBA 80's days.

Writing this post and thinking about my initial reaction Honey Nut Cheerios might be the funniest insult of ALL TIME.
Do you think Carmelo Anthony will ever buy Honey Nut Cheerios again?

 

USPS

The United States Postal Service in Philadelphia on Chestnut St. might be one of the most poorly run places in this damn country.  I can't figure out why I continue to support them but I do.  I suppose it is because they are bleeding cash and should be put out of their misery and I do what I can when I can.

These slow motherf*ckers have a sign that says, "If you have been in line for more than 5 minutes call this number...".  Last night I stood in this long a** line in the same damn place for more than 5 minutes and I know them motherf*ckers know people are ALWAYS in line for longer than 5 minutes majority of the time.  That sign is a slap in the face and should promptly be removed as to not incite riots among the masses.

I will never ever understand how there are always only 2 t o3 people working the counter but there always spaces for 5 employees and 5 employees are needed but you senseless people continue to under staff the damn desk.  Sure, trying to make cuts where you can but you all are losing customers this way and can't meet deadline to meet payments that you are supposed to.

I know you can't control the customers that use your services and that is fine but the man in front of me licked the sh*t out of the envelope and it deeply disturbed me.  Not to judge a book by its cover but I am pretty sure that envelope reminded him of some Kevin Clash flashback he had with Elmo but I digress.  He went to work on that envelope and it was like a car wreck that you could not turn from because you could not believe the sh*t that was just going on in a public place.

Then the ignorant sloppy b*tch with the rag on her head walked in being all extra loud.  I get it the line was long beyond belief but I do not need you walking in yelling unf*cking believable because guess what I believe it because I been standing in this line for 30 some minutes. The only thing more unbelievable was your piece of stomach hanging from your shirt that you forgot to cover up or the fact that your material ran out of elasticity.  No wonder I can't find any of the Hostess twinkies online anywhere, I am sure they were purchased by her and deep fried for  lunch!