I need my own advice column

While at work browsing the internet for my usual f*ckery I stumbled upon this article/advice column/ask me anything type of thing.  The question was mildly entertaining  and got me to thinking that I really could have people send me their questions and I could reply with sound advice.  This will be the first attempt:

Question: My outlook on dating is very traditional - man courts lady and pays for dinner, etc. Then, after you figure out that you truly want to continue to date, the woman offers to pay. The man I am dating seems a bit more on the equal end - I paid for last night, you pay for tonight. It started very early on, maybe the eighth date or so. I kept getting the vibe that I should offer to pay, and then it got uncomfortable. We went on a vacation together and he wanted to split everything. The place was not my first choice of vacation spots, so the more he said, "OK, give me this much for the bill," the more animosity I felt. He earns a good $30,000 more than I do, his company pays for a lot of his food/ transportation, and his rent is half of mine.
I approached him about this when I was frustrated beyond belief, and basically unloaded repressed anger and rambled on about how female and male roles in a relationship are not supposed to be equal. His response was "Well, I'm not Prince Charming, and don't expect me to be."
Then he claimed he was "used" for money in his last relationship, which I find very, very hard to believe.
I have a very tight budget, with student loans and a huge rent check, yet I still manage to "split" everything. I get him meaningful gifts, and his are only so-so, in meaning and value. I don't need expensive things, but it would be nice to be treated like a lady in terms of dinners and vacations.
Growing up, my dad was amazing and I was his princess. He showed me the role a man is supposed to play: Take the girl out, open her door, pull out her chair, etc. How do you suggest approaching this situation?



Answer:  Nothing is wrong with being traditional as we all are traditional in certain aspects of life except for you Apple computer motherf*ckers.  Early on is the 8th date?  Sweetie, I am sure by the 8th date this gentleman thought you guys would be doing the wild monkey and realized nothing of the sorts was happening and that maybe you needed some persuasion in the form of buying your own sh*t!  It is vacation you gold digging hookah.  If he pays for everything on vacation that is not exactly vacation for him sounds like a damn job.  And if you did not like that place you should have said something and maybe you guys could have gone somewhere else.  Had you been doing what you need to have been doing before the 8th date this predicament would not be happening.  So the f*ck what he earns $30,000 more than you do.  Are you the damn government and going to tell him how and where to spend his money?  If his rent is half yours maybe you should stop be so high maintenance and move to wherever he lives.  Sooo, you got frustrated and b*tched him out huh.  I bet you were singing that Destiny's Child Independent woman song.  Question!!!  Who in the hell are you to doubt his last relationship?  You need to be doubting your last relationship that is why you are out there dating and complaining about dinner.  I am glad that you manage to "split" everything with your limited funds that means that your budget is working but for future reference if you were a little smarter maybe you would have gotten a scholarship for college dumb a**!  His gifts are only so-so in meaning well that does suck.  I am going to pretend you did not say the  in "value" comment.  Actually,  how the hell you going to follow up and say you don't need expensive things but the "value" was just okay.  You need to make up your damn mind!!  You were you Dad's Princess? * blank stare*  He showed you the role a man was supposed to play huh.  This sounds like a case of Law & Order: Special Victims Unit and that is probably why your a** is so messed up now.  You were having sex with the wrong man you dumb heffa!!

We did this

What is a thoia thong?  Seriously, what is a thoia thong?  It was a a damn good song by R.Kelly but what is it?  That question leads me to my next question:  What the hell were we letting that grown a** man get away with?

We completely failed as human beings with him.  I will be a nice guy and not talking about him marrying 16 year old Aaliyah and giving a golden shower to the 14 year old chick on camera.  However, that is some bullsh*t that he did not do a damn day behind bars for that nonsense but I digress.

Lets start with the song "Gotham City". Not one of his more popular songs but a decent song nonetheless.


At about 2:39 in the video the motherf*cking Batmobile is going to appear.  Guess who is driving the Batmobile??  It is not Batman but the guy Kellz!!  Back in 7th grade I probably thought this was cool but as a grown a** man I am at a loss for words.

Up next is a personal favorite of mine.



Within the first 20 seconds in the damn video he is sitting on the side of the jacuzzi with his hair half braided.  Sure, he could be waiting on somebody to finish his hair but the problem with this is that this started a trend where a bunch of nappy a** motherf*ckers walked around like it was cool.  Your hair should either be braided or out but not both.  I mean truthfully speaking after a certain age no grown man should have his hair braided but that is a convo for another day.

Umm, and this sh*t above us!!  This man is a damn purple suit.  The only grown men allowed to wear purple suits are Prince and Steve Harvey.  Prince because he like used to have this aura or some sh*t around him and Steve because he is the only ignorant son of a b*tch that can pull it off.  I mean look at dumb a** Robert and his nipples showing.  Is that really a PURPLE doo rag?  Is this man really wearing a compression arm sleeve on like he plays in the NBA.  What is the belt buckle thingy majig?  Is that a tongue sticking out some lips or is that a piece of angus (pause)?  Why does this man really have purple gun holster on?  Dawg, you are not shooting nothing but lil girls (sorry was supposed to leave it alone).  And why the hell did he have on purple leather pants. That look was last perfected by Eddie Murphy in RAW.

We as human beings really let this sh*t get out of hand.  Somebody should have sat his a** down somewhere and talked to him, maybe gave him a hug. I still want to know what a thoia thong is!!!

What do you mean???

I would just like to say that this post is not about anybody in particular and all characters and events are purely fictional.  However, if the shoe fits wear it ;)

Way back when in second grade I was the Spelling Bee champion.  Your boy was NICE!!  I wish more of that skill carried over but then the spell check system on the computer set in and it was a WRAP.  I can still spell most words but the crazy days of spelling ridonkulous words are behind me.

There was this project I was apart of and it dealt with group work and a decent amount of brainstorming.  Writing on a dry erase board works perfectly so the group can see what is going on as the ideas are flowing out.  SO, ideally the person who is doing the writing should be able to spell, hopefully.  Especially if you hold some type of administrative position.  You know something close to being a secretary.

At first this was no big deal but then it became downright hilarious and slightly embarrassing.  It then got me to thinking about a segment that I am going to call "What do you mean" (if anybody steals this idea I am coming in for 700%)  For example in the story, what do you mean your an administrative assistant and can't spell?

What do you mean you can't swim and you are a lifeguard?

What do you mean you are a chef and can't cook?

What do you mean you are a fireman and afraid of fire?

What do you mean you can't read but you are a librarian?

How are you a prostitute and not do anal?

What  do you mean your wife is white but you are pro black?

What do you mean your fat and Somalian? (that one was wrong)

What do you mean you are a trash man but don't want to throw trash in the truck?

What do you mean you are a crash test dummy but don't want to get in an accident?
 
How are you afraid of heights and you fly a plane?

What is that on your face?

People have been asking where I have been?  The answer to that question is everywhere and nowhere.  Lately, I have been struggling with what to write because of not wanting to hurt any feelings.  These days it just seems like everybody is super emotional and everything has to be politically correct.  So, I have taken all that into consideration and I have come up with a solution that works for everybody.  BITE ME!!!

What the hell is going on with a good portion of Philadelphia black males and their f*cking beard??  It has this pubic hair type of look going on.  Real scruffy, beady bead, ugly sh*t!  Who the hell told you dysfunctional bastards that is either A) attractive or B) going to help you got a job or C) friendly.  It looks like you have lil scrotum sacks on your cheeks trying to form a beard that can't connect.  If I was running a business, I am pretty sure I would not hire you and if I did it would be to stock rooms or scrub the toilet with the brillo pad on your face. You must be faaar away from having contact with others.  I don't really consider myself a "shook" type of dude but when I am in the corner store and see you walk in with your hoodie and your lawn on your face my guard goes up.  Sue me!!  I am probably wrong because I am judging a book by its cover but grooming counts for something.

I am guy who hates to cut my facial hair because I like the look but my hair is the smooth, silky, fine as wine type sh*t( I am full of it).  Seriously, I can go a full beard and not have those patch marks of hair that makes my face look like a checker board or a mine field whatever image comes to your mind first.  This one cat has a job with all that sh*t on his face and the job was going through changes and he needed to wear a suit and trim down the scrotum sacks on his face.  Dude threw a hissy fit and could not understand why this that and the other other. ( not a typo I said other other)  What he did not realize is that he looked like a human being with a real face when all that ish was gone.

Philly bols please cut that sh*t off!! If you do not want to be a dirty a** rapper LET IT GO.  You will look and feel so much better.  You might even get a date with real women that don't have names like La-A  pronounced LA-DASH-A (kid you not)

                                               The hell is that??


and I SPIT on your feelings too..ole soft a** punk!!!

Mad again

 Lately I have been doing well with my "good" days and have had very few "bad" days.  Well that sh*t ended abruptly today!  The smallest thing set me off today.

I lost one of my damn gloves today and I am beyond pissed!!!  I am 26 years old how the f*ck did I lose one of my gloves?  That is some 7 year old bullsh*t!!  I am terribly upset because I have one glove.  ONE!  The hell am I supposed to do with one?  Somebody made the suggestion to ball my gloves up and put them in my pocket.  Little kid sh*t!!  I am just beyond blown because the last thing of importance I have lost was my vir-- err never mind.  I was going to get a drink because I clearly need one but guess what they don't let 7 year old children into the motherf*cking bar.

When I was driving my left hand was on the steering wheel without a damn glove and guess what??  My hand was cold as sh*t!  To further piss me off and make my day even more miserable I almost got into an accident.  This simple motherf*cker was in my lane as I was trying to make a left turn. As the turn was happening I had to stop to see what the hell she was doing and she had the nerve to look at me like I was wrong.  This bug eyed heffer had no idea that if my left hand was not frozen I was going to attempt to put her damn eyeballs back in her head.  I am done for now.

Yeah, just like that!!!

Five Seasons

You are probably looking at the title and saying no you idiot there are 4 seasons. Fall, Winter, Spring, and Summer but there is one more and it is called Tax season.  There could be six with Killa season but that depends if you are a Cam'Ron fan or not.

Long story short I was trying to get my taxes done last week and I know somebody that does these types of things.  They asked if I would check them out and help them grow.  I was hesitant at first but was like let me help somebody out who is trying to do something with their life.  That was my first mistake!  From previous experience I know their decision making is questionable at best.  I'd rather work with a monkey in a lab but I digress.  Somehow I convinced myself that I was doing the right thing along with some other perks this person said they would be able to help me with on my taxes.

Setup the appointment to meet and this motherf*cker cancels saying they are not feeling well.  B*tch this is TAX season there are no sick days.  What kind of pills have you been popping?  Your company is not trying to hear that you are not feeling well and you can't come in and crunch numbers.  This is exactly why you are constantly searching for work now because your work ethic sucks.  Stuff yourself with medicine, buy a box of tissue, stock up on hand sanitizer and bring your simple a** to work.  There is a reason it is called Tax season, it is pretty high up there on that list of things.  You know the list that says the only thing guaranteed in life are death and taxes.  I mean the Grim Reaper does not take off of work although somebody could argue he has been letting Joan Rivers slide but that is for another day.

There is a chance that I am just being a jerk but I know that I was doing a favor for them and not the other way around.  I have a regular reliable tax person that usually takes care of all those things.  They have never not been available during this time of the year because they are professional.  The rules of the game they understand, respect and play them well.  Just know that you will never ever do my taxes and I am pretty sure you will not have the same job next year but no worries UPS is hiring.

There Goes The Neighborhood!!

I tried being positive.  I mean I really did but F*ck these past few days.  More specifically this cot damn snow and all the nonsense and dumb a** people it brings out.  I know the Summer time is the killing season but Winter is definitely dumb a** wipe season.

There was a pretty decent size snow storm a few days ago that provided Philly with about 16 inches.  Or two of me.  So, I grab a wonderful parking spot on Spring Garden and then I let Mother Nature do her thug thizzle.  I knew there would be a bunch of snow surrounding the car but what I did not expect was the dumb a** snow plow drivers to put all the snow on my car.  There was a bunch of open space in front of my car that people were not allowed to park in, who knows why they had to put all of the snow in my area.

As I am digging out of this mess made by the wonderful city employees of Philadelphia one of the insightful residents of this city comes out from his his place of employment to tell me about where I parked.  B*tch, I know where I parked at because I park there all the time.  He then wants to tell me it is a snow emergency route.  WRONG!!  You know why it is not a snow emergency route because there is no sign and it is not on the list of emergency routes that they city provided.  I don't give a rat's a** what you think you heard on the news.  You heard not a damn thing sir.  I was friendly with this upstanding gentleman but he just kept talking about how they plowed me in good. *pause*  The last thing I want to hear is how much snow is surrounding my car because I am shoveling it all by my damn self while you are on the sidewalk watching me work.  Sir, I enjoy you wanting to have conversation but not while I am busting my butt go jump in front of a plow.


The city of Philadelphia has some pretty stupid snow policies but what is a city without some nonsense.  After the snowfall residents are expected to remove snow from the sidewalk in front of the residents within 6 hours.  Cool, you want to keep everybody safe and such I understand but you also say the snow can't be thrown in the streets.  So the snow can't go in the streets and has to be off the sidewalk or face a fine.  Some areas don't have little areas of green to throw the extra snow do you want them to eat the damn snow?  Go figure, you can earn yourself a fine throwing snow back in the street.  You ever think the city is trying to suck all the money out of your pockets?



 The PPA had the nerve to be giving out tickets today.  PPA there are people who don't have snow off of their cars because there is nowhere to put it and barely anywhere to drive.  How the f*ck you going to be out there ruining days?  I hope somebody comes by with a huge chunk of ice and ruins the back of your knee you simple son b*tch!

Also, to the lady who in the street trying to shovel out her friend.  Hooka, the street was all ice and there are cars driving you can't stand in the middle of the street.  You are blocking traffic taking up the whole damn lane.  The cars beeping their horns are beeping at you deaf, dumb a**hole!  I probably should not have rolled down the window and asked you to move in that tone but if I hit you white lady they may have thrown my black a** in jail.

I spit on you PPA (again), snow plow operator who did that ignorant nonsense, the guy trying to have a conversation as I was digging out and the stupid chick in the middle of the road.