Everybody is a tough guy

Everybody wants to be a tough guy.  I can't necessarily blame them.  If you look on the big screen, the small screen, the magazines women love the tough guy.  I mean who does not want the women? *Shout out to Frank Ocean*  When is being a tough guy taken too far?

Sat night I was out with my homie at this spot we frequent enjoying ourselves and this ole fake tough guy was trying to ruin my night.  My boy is at the bar carrying a conversation with a lovely young lady when out of the corner of my eye I see a guy I know talking with fake tough guy.  At first the conversation seemed normal but something was just "off".  So I approach the guy I know and asked him if he wants a drink when fake tough guy starts with his sh*t.

Fake Tough Guy: Tell your man to chill out

Me:Whats the problem.

FTG: I need 3 feet I need 3 feet.

Me: *looks around and realizes the place is packed..gives him blank stare* OK

FTG: I am not alone in here.  I want to do whatever you want to do.  Its whatever!!!

Me: Ok, but just not in here.  I know the owner and the DJ lets not mess the money up.  Let me buy you a drink man?  We not about that nonsense it is nothing,

FTG: I got a bunch of money in my pockets!!

Me: Ok. *turns to bar to get my boy*  Yo man, we are not doing this tonight with this dude.

*lovely young lady leaves because who wants to catch an accidental uppercut*

A bunch of calm downs, chill outs and other peaceful terms have been thrown out to prevent FTG from catching an eye jammy.  FTG's boy comes in who looks newly 21 with soft spots on his head and a face that has never seen a razor or shaving cream a day in his life.  He grabs his boy who has this petrified annoyed look because he knows FTG is a fugazy a** drunk!

So once the situation was defused what were we left with?  The lovely lady running away to elsewhere in the spot, my boy and myself worried about FTG doing something stupid.  The babyfaced guy has to worry about his boy doing something.  The guy who was originally in the conflict has to worry about the FTG doing something stupid and the FTG making out with the short haired butch looking chick on the wall.  NOBODY wins!!!  Fake tough guys and alcohol does not mix.  Just stay the f*ck home.

Victory is that of the Ravens!!!

It has been a long time coming for me to say this.  FINALLY the Lombardi Trophy has come back home to Baltimore!!  It has been a long 12 years since we had the trophy home with us.  Not as long as some other franchises but we hold ourselves to higher standards.  I am actually a tad pissed because I wrote this blog post and the damn computer deleted it but my Ravens won the Superbowl so you can't kill my vibe.  Lets get straight to it.

I like to give a big f*ck you first to all the Pittsburgh fans who decided to run their mouth to me even though they have been at home since the playoffs have started.  I really do hate your team and you guys have made it even worst this season.  I am respectful to you guys but I think I am going to throw it out the window now Sh*ttsburgh!  We will see you guys next year!

Patriots fans, where do I even start with you f*ckers?  The arrogance that runs through your veins is just completely mind boggling and completely blows me away.  You think because you guys have the Golden Boy as your QB that you guys are just going to win it every time and think you guys have won it every single damn time.  News flash it has been 9 years since you had a chip so take your head out your a**!  We have beaten yall 2 out of the 3 last times we have played.  A few years ago whooped that a** in Foxborough.  Stop it, we will see you guys next year!!  Also, Wes Welker you need to enroll in college and take the class, "Check your B*tch 101".

To some of the Eagle fans who talked sh*t to me.  You got to be f*cking kidding me.  I grew up on this team because of my Pops.  I have shown you guys nothing but respect but you talk that crap to me when you guys became the laughingstock of the league.  That one really hurt me but I should expect no less.  A lot you guys are trash anyways.  Especially you Northeast motherf*ckers!  Get to .500 next year a**holes.

Skip Bayless eat a d*ck!!!

Lets put this sh*t to rest.  Leave Ray Lewis Alone.  Two time Superbowl champion, two time Defensive Player of the year, greatest Raven of all time, and greatest middle linebacker of all time, and arguably the greatest defensive player of all time.  I don't want to hear anything about your problems with him off the field.  A jury of his peers said not guilty of murder please let it be. 

Then here comes this Deer Antler spray story which conveniently happened to come out during Superbowl week which is a perfect time for a company to get free press.  Media crucified this man.  What I found funny was when the man who made allegations that he used this Deer Spray made an apology saying he never saw Ray use any of the substance it got brushed under the rug.  All you pieces of sh*t can kick rocks!  Everybody and their holier than though stance.  Funny I did not hear any uproar about Dan Marino and his extramarital affair that produced a child out of wedlock get that much press.

I like to take a minute to shou tout the biggest Raven fan I know my little sister!  Shout out to all the real fans that rode through good and bad times.  Shout out to the bandwagon fans.   Shout out to the driver of the armored truck driver who is going to pay Joe Flacco.  Lets go RAAAVEEEENS!!!

I am not done but I am done for this post.  Ravens are the Superbowl champions again.  The organization is now 2-0 in the Big Dance.  Please don't come at me this week or matter of fact the rest of the year with any nonsense without expecting a full out war.  To the motherf*cker that text me the Ravens cheated last night, sweetie let me give you my A** to kiss!!  *drops keyboard*

I am out B*TCHES!!!

Kevin Garnett the habitual line-stepper

Kevin Garnett this Bud is for you!

I have never been a fan of Kevin Garnett for any of his time in the NBA.  The older I got the more and more I realized I did not like him.  I am not sure if it was from the arguments with people that he was a better player than Tim Duncan which is still hilarious.  Maybe it was the fact that at some point people thought he was the best player in the NBA even though he was not the best at his position.  When the Celtics won their last championship my dislike of Garnett was at an all time high.  Simply because of this piece of coonery:


I mean really???  Dude, stop it. smh  That was the Adidas campaign slogan at the time and those folks ate that sh*t up.  Mine as well have been shucking and jiving.  Sure, I laughed hysterically and when I need a good laugh I still watch it but damn.

You have gotten older and your reputation as a bully is becoming bigger and bigger.  Exhibit A  and B.  For the record Tim Duncan should have gotten into his a** that day but he is too nice for all that.  There are countless other times of Kevin Garnett just being an all around d*ck but the sh*t that happened last night with Carmelo Anthony is definitely over the line.  Allegedly what happened was during the game last night was that the habitual line-stepper know as Kevin Garnett  tells Melo that his wife, "Tastes like Honey Nut Cheerios".  Not for nothing Honey Nut Cheerios is one of my favorite cereals in the world and is absolutely delicious but I be damned if another man tells me my wife tastes like that.  After I respond with "thank you" the left hook follows but I digress.  If this is indeed what happened Garnett is a b*tch for not making himself available to have that "talk" with Carmelo.  All of the security guards and police officers that were to keep the peace after the game should have at least let Melo get in there for 3 to 4 solid hits.  As Garnett's playing days winds down I can only hope that somebody gives him that "work" on that court like the NBA 80's days.

Writing this post and thinking about my initial reaction Honey Nut Cheerios might be the funniest insult of ALL TIME.
Do you think Carmelo Anthony will ever buy Honey Nut Cheerios again?

 

USPS

The United States Postal Service in Philadelphia on Chestnut St. might be one of the most poorly run places in this damn country.  I can't figure out why I continue to support them but I do.  I suppose it is because they are bleeding cash and should be put out of their misery and I do what I can when I can.

These slow motherf*ckers have a sign that says, "If you have been in line for more than 5 minutes call this number...".  Last night I stood in this long a** line in the same damn place for more than 5 minutes and I know them motherf*ckers know people are ALWAYS in line for longer than 5 minutes majority of the time.  That sign is a slap in the face and should promptly be removed as to not incite riots among the masses.

I will never ever understand how there are always only 2 t o3 people working the counter but there always spaces for 5 employees and 5 employees are needed but you senseless people continue to under staff the damn desk.  Sure, trying to make cuts where you can but you all are losing customers this way and can't meet deadline to meet payments that you are supposed to.

I know you can't control the customers that use your services and that is fine but the man in front of me licked the sh*t out of the envelope and it deeply disturbed me.  Not to judge a book by its cover but I am pretty sure that envelope reminded him of some Kevin Clash flashback he had with Elmo but I digress.  He went to work on that envelope and it was like a car wreck that you could not turn from because you could not believe the sh*t that was just going on in a public place.

Then the ignorant sloppy b*tch with the rag on her head walked in being all extra loud.  I get it the line was long beyond belief but I do not need you walking in yelling unf*cking believable because guess what I believe it because I been standing in this line for 30 some minutes. The only thing more unbelievable was your piece of stomach hanging from your shirt that you forgot to cover up or the fact that your material ran out of elasticity.  No wonder I can't find any of the Hostess twinkies online anywhere, I am sure they were purchased by her and deep fried for  lunch!

Philly is pissing me off

For the most part the city of Philadelphia has treated me well enough or at least well enough for me to stay here this long.  Every once in a while I will have a day that is just full of f*ckery and all types of bullsh*t!  Just for the record Philly drivers are starting to move up on the a**hole list.

I am driving behind some dude this morning and the a**hole was not paying attention because he was in his damn phone and talking to the passenger so I am trailing carefully.  We stop at a light then it turns green and the d*ckhead is just sitting there so I lightly tap the horn as to say, "hey look up and go" as opposed to me holding down the horn saying, "The f*ck is you doing B*tch a** Motherf*cker".  See the difference?  So as he slowly accelerates he decides to give me the finger out the window.  Me being the fine citizen that I am flipped him the bird back along with a few choice words that he never heard because my windows were rolled up.  As he proceeds to drive down the street he thought he was being "funny" and slams on the brakes like I don't have cat like reflexes.  What he did not know was that if I had rear ended him I was jumping out the car throwing the first 3 punches in his face and then jumping in my car and going home.  I just can't wait until the day that I have the battering ram on my car!

The second incident I was around the corner from my house at Lincoln Fried Chicken trying to get a few slices of pizza and in walks this maybe middle aged but quite possibly older the middle aged hood chick.  She walks in the cashier offers his assistance she declines then looks up at tv and whatever show were talking about injections for women to get rid of wrinkles.  I am not sure what made her think that I gave a f*ck about her or the show but she wants to start telling me that they never talk about men and their wrinkles and they only talk about women because men care.  She told me that men get wrinkles too and they need injections or some nonsense.  I nodded politely and responded with "right" as she kept mumbling on and missing the cue that I came for food and not conversation.  Before she walks out the door she threw some trash away and swallowed more than half of her banana whole.  Had I know that was her special trick before the conversation started I may have actually made that the discussion point. lol

75%

Over in France the new President, Francois Hollande, is proposing to tax the rich (income $1.24 mil a year) 75% of their income.  This is the most asinine thing I have ever heard!  For people to even think that is a good idea baffles the mind and the fact that the President of a damn country thinks this would be effective for his country is dumbfounding and quite concerning even for France.

I like to say that if the Government ever tried to tax me 75% of my income that they would have to show up to the doorstep with a motherf*cking AK-47 and Mike Tyson and pry it from my dead body.  If anybody thinks they are taking 75% of my money please know that I will defecate on as many bills as possible and pile them all up and then and have somebody collect "their" money then.  There is no way anybody can reasonably think that I am going to bust my a** and somebody is going to come in and take more than half!  These types of proposals are what causes fights to break out and not stop for weeks at a time.

The problem with the idea coming from this socialist President is that he is only making things worst for his country and not helping a damn thing.  What is happening and what will happen even more is that the wealthy who will get taxed unfairly will say, "F*ck you I am moving". So now the rich people you wanted to tax for being successful are gone and you now have nobody to tax out their a**.  So, now that the rich are gone and so are the damn jobs that they provided.  Which just gives you more broke bastards that the Government takes care of but there is no money to pull from because the idiot ran them off. *note to self career in politics if male stripper falls through *

All I know is that I have my eye on a certain President over here but I am sure he is smart enough to know that type of backwards thinking does more harm than it does good. (giggles)  I mean the last thing we need over here is to realize that he might be able to almost pull some sh*t off over here because a majority of the people don't even know they are lambs being led to the slaughter.

I will leave you with this question:  When is the last time you have been employed by a piss poor person?

Tickle me Elmo

Have the actions of Kevin Clash, former Elmo puppeteer left you with a rash of questions?

Sooo, what happens to Elmo?

I mean something has to happen with Elmo, right?

 Is Elmo now tainted?

Can Elmo resign?

Do you now wonder what Oscar the Grouch might have been doing in the trashcan?

Does this make the Bert and Ernie rumors a little more believable? 

Are you buying your child Tickle Me Elmo for X-mas this year?

Are you now wondering what Elmo was really tickling?

How many of you trusted a grown man sticking his hand up a puppet's a**?

What type of perverted activities has Kevin Clash done with the Elmo doll?

If Kevin Clash was to go to jail would him and Jerry Sandusky share a cell?

Was Mitt Romney onto something with wanting Sesame Street to fund themselves instead of the Gov't?