Reason number 2,345 I hate bikers

I have written before about how living in Philadelphia with all these damn pedal bike riding motherf*ckers drives me absolutely insane.  They are all over the place weaving in and out of traffic, running stop signs, and doing other illegal things that damn near every biker says they don't do!  Even though I feel like most bikers should walk on the damn sidewalk and stay the f*ck out of my way at all times, I had learned to respect them and watch out for their safety.  We had came to a truce of sorts.  Well after this past Saturday that sh*t is out the window!!

I was riding up Cecil B. Moore in North Philly headed to pick up rent when out of nowhere a biker swoops out of nowhere from the depths of hell.  When I say the depths of hell I mean from behind this parked Septa bus in the other lane at a stop picking/dropping off riders.  So the a**hole flies into my lane so I slammed on the brakes and I swerved to the right as to avoid hitting the genius.  Me being the curious guy that I am simply asked him a question "What the f*ck are you doing?" and him being that douche bag that answers a question with a question asks me "What the fuck are you doing?" *Kevin Hart confused face*  At that moment I quickly became baffled, confused, pissed all at once or in short I lost it!!  I had to remind King D*ckhead that I was driving on my side of the road and he was on my side and he almost got f*cked up and that he should be praying to whatever bike god he prays to that despite turning 29 again my reflexes are SHARP. Silly me for trying to have a conversation with a recently escaped animal from the zoo. * duh*

So we are exchanging some pleasantries as I continue to ride down the street until he says the dumbest thing ever to me " I don't do too much talking". (I love "tough guys", they usually talk the most sh*t until it is go time)  For those who are not in the "know" he simply stated he gets to the action be that fisticuffs or whatever.   Mr. I don't do too much talking, gets off his bike and puts his kickstand out and starts to go in his bookbag thinking that I am going to sh*t my pants.  What he did not realize was that I was already slowing my car down and pulling over and the moment he got up off the bike and dug in his bookbag I had already started to draw my pistol out of the holster for self defense just in case he had lost his mind and thought it was the wild west. sidenote* Drake has made it hard for us light skins guys out here. We get no respect out here! *  Luckily for him my lady told me to keep driving and maybe possibly took the steering wheel away from me and made sure I kept going.  I prefer non violence but I am a strong proponent of "Aint no b*tch in the Taylor blood"!!! 

So to the circus bear driving the bike in North Philly you are welcome that I did not knock you clear off the bike like I should have.  I spit on you tax draining motherf*cker!!!

Ray Rice...what is the fuss about

The regular season for the NFL has not even started but their players are all over the news these days for various reasons.  This time it is Ray Rice of the greatest football franchise of all time the Baltimore Ravens.  I don't hide the fact that I am a huge Raven's fan but I am a greater fan of people shutting the f*ck and just trying to think.

People from all walks of life are coming out of nowhere and are PISSED that he only got suspended for two games.  Between me and you they are probably Steeler's fans but that is neither here nor there.  So the uproar seems to be that PED users and people who smoke weed have been suspended longer than Ray Rice.  People like to say it sets a precedent that domestic violence is okay.  Not really sure where these morons even pulled that from but it gives me a good chuckle every time. A quote pulled straight from a comment board: " So Ray Rice knock the f%ck out of his girlfriend and it's video taped and get suspended only 2 games while someone smokes a little weed and gets suspended the whole year....seems fair"  There are the types of idiots that we are dealing with out here.

First of all there was not a videotape of Ray Rice knocking his lady out but there is a videotape of her dragging her out the elevator.  While some may say I am splitting hairs I simply say there is a difference.  I mean if my girl and I tussle in the elevator and I don't have the decency to remove her unconscious body from the elevator for anybody to do who knows what with, what type of man am I really?  With Josh Gordon here is what we call a MULTIPLE offender with EVIDENCE that he has broken rules.   Do we have evidence that Ray Rice two pieced his then-fiancée?  There is only evidence of him  caveman dragging her out the elevator.  What if she was soo tired that she said f*ck it and decided to take a nap on the floor on the way to room.  I know this sounds ridiculous but wanting to go around handing out punishment for sh*t we think that might have happened is pretty wild too!!

Has anybody stopped to think that the commissioner Roger Goodell loves giving out insanely harsh punishments and that if Ray only got two games it is for a reason?  You know the reason that maybe the NFL saw the footage and only handed out a 2 game suspension was that maybe he was defending himself.  Maybe the alleged Ryu punch was in complete self defense or in the midst of them having a drunken lovers quarrel.  IF Rice really just unleashed streets of rage type of a** whooping on her and it was caught on camera the NFL definitely would have suspended him a lot longer.  The NFL  Hell, prosecutors would have charged him regardless even if his lady did not want to press charges.  Don't get me wrong I am against domestic violence but I am not sure this happened.  The only thing for sure I know is that his drunk a** struggled to drag her out the elevator (hit the weight room) and that this situation is embarrassing for everybody involved.  Him, her, the Ravens, and the NFL.  It overshadows a ton of good he does for Anti-bullying.  Most importantly lets hope that whatever issues they had are now resolved and they can get back to business as usual.  Like averaging more than 3.0 yards per carry.

But can he play professional football

Michael Sam really has everybody in their feelings.  Michael Sam has everybody getting their panties in a bunch.  Was shooting for a Michael Sam has never seen panties joke but I could not figure out  a good one but I digress...

I fear we are at a weird place in society where everybody is screaming about freedom of speech until somebody speaks out against whatever the hot topic is.  Want to lose some friends or not get any yams, try telling somebody that you are a little more conservatively motivated, you could care less that the President is black, or that you don't care that she can pull her legs behind her ear you are not paying full price err-..never mind the last one.  Everybody is so quick to stand up for what is "right" that they end up losing sight of what the hell freedom of speech is.

What has been killing me is that on sports debate shows, facebok posts, and comments sections on many different articles written about THIS Michael Sam topic are filled with people voicing their displeasure with Tony Dungy and calling him all types of bigots and what have you.( what really kills me is that he aint even that good and this is 3rd big deal before he has even played)  I am still trying to figure out how this one little quote sent people off the deep end: "I wouldn't have taken him. Not because I don't believe Michael Sam should have a chance to play, but I wouldn't want to deal with all of it. It's not going to be totally smooth ... things will happen.''  Thats it!!!!  I missed the part where he called him the F word, or he said he was afraid Michael Sam was going to give out blow jobs in the locker room, or said anything about him disagreeing with who Michael Sam is bending over and blowing out or getting bent over.

Now all of a sudden Tony Dungy is a hypocrite for pushing Michael Vick to have a second chance in the NFL after serving time for the part he played in the dog figthing escapades.  What all the idiots fall to realize is  Michael Vick was a PROVEN Pro Bowl, game changing player.  Michael Sam was a potential 4th rounder that fell to the 7th round that 31 other teams passed on the guy because if he plays his heart out all the time he MIGHT make the team and have a career for a few years as part time player.  No teams really wants a media circus (maybe the Jets or Cowboys but they are not real teams) because of rookie players drafted in the 7th f*cking round.  Seventh round draft picks who have marginal talent don't get to disrupt the team but 1st round picks who potentially game changing and seat filling ability gets the opportunity.  It has nothing to do with Michael Sam being gay it is just that he has more bum than pro bowl caliber in him.  I would not have drafted him either because it is not worth the headache but if a few years from now he has proven he can play at a high level I would damn sure sign him as a free agent. 

In a nutshell f*ck Michael Sam and this nonsense until he proves he is double digit sack machine or a average player that gets picked up by the Ravens.  And semi f*ck Tony Dungy for clarifying his statements and not saying "yall can kiss my ass, I don't want bum a** distractions on my team IF I ever coached again you hypothetical loving a**holes"  GO RAVENS!!!

Is 30 the new 20??

There is this nasty rumor that I turn 30 years old on July 15th.  Whoever started that dirty, nasty, vicious rumor can kiss my slightly tanned a**!!  However, for the sake of the argument lets say that the statement might be true. *ponders*  Moving into another decade and getting just a little bit older means that my social filter gets to slowly wither away?  So in theory this blog post I should be able to spit hot fyah about all the sh*t that has bothered me for months?

I hate that some of my tenants live and function like animals and when people ask me what I do for a living I find myself giving them this response: "I am a zoo keeper" * dead ass stare*

It kills me that this dumb a** broad with 4 kids who lives in a room with all of them and her boyfriend had the nerve to tell me that she can't  afford their room anymore because they cut their checks back.  Somebody should have cut her off from the supply of d*ck!!

I hate that when I set appointments with potentials tenants and they come really late and show up like they are doing me a favor. I mean do they really think there is a shortage of broke bum motherf*ckers in Philly.(sidenote not everybody who rents from me are broke bum motherf*ckers just these broke bum motherf*ckers I am talking about)  What I really hate is that that 99% of the time they look like me.  Can't even be mad when white folks joke about "CP time"

Speaking of white folks...

When I was in high school one of my friends stated that most of the car accidents he saw were with young white women.  I saw a few accidents the other day and all I could do was chuckle to myself.

The young white woman might be the most oblivious of all the humans on the planet.  One day my cousin and I were pulled over by a police officer on this narrow a** block in our big a** yellow cargo van taking up all the space.  Don't you know this young ole white chick drives all the way down til the end of the block behind the police officer and then gets out her car and says to the officer "Are you going to be done soon or should I just back down the block"?  I mean who the f*ck even thinks to ask the police some bullsh*t when they clearly have some negros pulled over?

Why is it that some of the biggest sh*t talking, threat making, war chanting people are flamboyantly gay men?  This one guy left all types of message about "When I see you it is a motherf*cking problem", "I am calling Bloods from L.A. to come out here."  Keep in mind half the time he can't keep his cell phone bill payed but he calling in reinforcements. Oh ard.  I mean how am I supposed to take this seriously when he couldn't afford to pay for condoms that might have prevented that thing only Magic Johnson can afford to take care of?  

I will try to work on my filter thing but I am turning 3 err.. I mean 28 again so f*ck it!!

 

Whatever "made it" means

 
If you fall into one of those categories and I have offended you please accept my sincerest apologies. Just playing go get a hug sensitive thug!!!

You need better friends

There comes a point in your life when you realize that some of the people that you used to be friends with are no longer there or that your current group of friends no longer should be there.  There is no timetable when one of these or both can happen but I just guarantee it will happen.    It is just something that happens with getting older.  Lets just call it the facts of life.

This b*tch right here needs a new set of friends, husband, Pastor, pistol, rope, and a bathroom cabinet full of pills (too far). I mean there is just soooo much to say to this tomfoolery right here.  Thankfully the baby was not hurt in the marriage of the village idiots.  Still trying to figure out which village had the biggest idiot but that is neither here nor there at this point.  Any good friend does not let her go out there and drag her damn baby down the aisle on the train of the dress.  When this chick brings this up and you see that she is serious the immediate response is supposed to be, " See, um naw".  Very efficient and gets to the point without using big words to confuse the village idiot.  It is very important to not use big words when dealing with this one!  Good friends don't let you walk out the house looking like a fool, get jumped, eat with the wrong fork out in public, spell "there" when you meant to spell "their", etc.

Her husband should be stoned for letting his 1 month old baby be dragged down the damn aisle.  Matter of fact he should be dragged down the damn street on a motherf*cking slip n slide. *sidenote* Any bets on if that is really his child?  This can't be the woman's first display of stupidity.  I know nothing more than what the article stated and but I will most certainly go out on a ledge and say this is a dumb a** b*tch the dumbest of the dumb.  If they make another Dumb and Dumber movie she will be the lead.  The fact that he would even decide on walking down the aisle definitely lets me know that his decision making is suspect at best.  If you see him on the street slap him for the baby and one time for me.

What was the Pastor doing who married the two buffoons?  Everybody has a price and I understand that but damn.  I mean your price should be pretty high to marry two fools in the house of the lord with rows full of people watching.  Your balls have to be made of adamantium (X-Men reference) to complete that ceremony in all seriousness.  This is all I will say about the Pastor because I fear stepping out the house and a lightning bolt coming out of nowhere to fry me.

In case anybody is wondering my people may lose a supporter over this one here smh.  In fact if you were to say the white man I might not even argue but that is a topic for a different day.

The real tragedy in Donald Sterling

There are no excuses for my absence.  I meant to come back months ago and then life started to take over and here we are in April.  What is important is that I think about you all at least a few times a week.  So many things to talk about, so many things I have written down but I figured Donald Sterling would be the one.

In a nutshell of Donald Sterling and everything that happened.  Caught up?  Good!!  People have been asking me am I outraged over the things he said on the video and I really give zero f*cks.  Nothing about him being a racist has made me lose a wink of sleep.  It is very unfortunate but this is the world we live in.  When he was screwing minorities out of housing years ago that would have been something to get worked up about more  than his words.  In fact I am really writing this blog to give Donald Sterling props for saying something that rings true.

Pulled straight from the transcripts: "I don't want to change.  If my girl can't do what I want, I don't want the girl.  I'll find a girl that will do what I want! Believe me."  If that is not the most pimp sh*t I have ever heard ever in life!  He meant that and I felt him %100.  If you going to be my chick then shut the hell up and do as I say.  When I hear things like this it reminds of what one of the greatest philosophers of our time said "Cancel that B*tch. I'll buy another one"  See the real problem of the whole situation is that his chick decided to not be the SIDE CHICK.  You know who and what you are!! Play your position and play your position well.  You are the PYT that receives expensive cars and apartments to drive and live in because you play your position.  If you are confused to what that position is then feel free to look over the requirements. that is: laying down, laying down, laying down and the only time you open your mouth is to say "please, thank you, and what kind of sandwich do you want" THAT IS IT.  America is outraged at the wrong thing.  Be outraged and hope that this is not some type of epidemic going on with side chicks getting out of pocket.

But seriously racism does suck!

Conversation with a Prostitute

I just like to preface this by saying that 1. Mom I love you and I promise I am staying out of trouble :) and 2. I have never used a prostitute nor do I have any plans to use a prostitute.  To those who pay for sex more power to you but that is not my thing.  IF I did however decide to use a prostitute please know I will get the most out of  my money.  She would have to turn tricks while standing on her head while doing a line of coke in a Motel 6.

One day last week I was headed to the bar to see if one of the bartenders I am friendly with was working and while driving I peeped a Hispanic lady on the corner milling about.(apparently Hispanics are the Blacks mans Kryptonite)  I turn the corner towards the bar and I take a look and was not as impressed up close as I was from the distance which seems to happen a lot these days but I digress.  I drive by the bar and see that the bartender was not working and I should have went home but something told me to drive around the block again.

On my first drive around the block I see the same woman and I get a better glimpse and something clicked in my head like, "Oh sh*t she is a hooker".  The worst thing that could have possibly happened in that situation happened..I made eye contact with the hooker and she started to speak. *If you have no interest in said hooker don't make eye contact*  At that exact moment I made the split decision to give the readers what they want and pulled over.  As I watch her walk to the car I am completely rolling because 1. she is a hooker and 2. she is just not that appealing.  Here is the exchange that happened.

Hooker: Whats going on?

Me: Whassup with you?

Hooker: Working.  So what you want?

*I have no clue what to say*

Me: What you got?  How much?

Hooker:  BJ for $20

Me: Damn, that is a good price!! (I really have no clue at all but it sounds reasonable)

Hooker: I know. I'm saying.  *looks me up and down* For you I would even go lower for you.

*completely thrown off now*

Me: Are you around here often?  * at this point I am just searching for sh&t*

Hooker: Naw, I just around here tonight.  So you going to let me get in the car?

Me: Uhhh, huh!  I don't have any money.

The hooker walks away.  I drive around the block laughing at the situation and I see her dancing on the corner of the block by herself and then I realize that she was on drugs.  That should be the end of the story but I got the bright idea to circle around the block AGAIN to get a video of her doing her crackhead dance for my amusement.  This time I thought she found a customer because she walking with this young black dude but then all of a sudden he hit a Barry Sanders move away from her and ran across the corner.  Say no to drugs and hookers!!!